Parental Expectations

Last Easter, we got Evelyn and Riley their first bicycles! Riley had just turned 3 and Evelyn was 4, going to turn 5 in August. I was so excited! I had these grand delusions about how much fun we were going to have. One of my favorite childhood pastimes is riding my bike. I used to draw-up maps of the farm and plot out "roads" that lead to all my imaginary friends homes. Mind you, Seth was my only sibling at the time and we didn't always play well together. But, I had a very active imagination and spent hours upon hours playing with myself. My bike was usually either my car or my horse. I even built a car seat for my baby dolls using scrap wood and ropes. Even once I hit junior high and high school, where my imagination was redirected to more realistic pursuits, I still enjoyed bike riding, and I still do as an adult. There's nothing like riding down a hill on a hot summer day and having the breeze cool you down. Now mind you, I think I was probably around 6 or 7 before I got my first "real" bike, a hand-me-down from my cousin. It was purple and white and had a "banana" seat. I specifically remember getting on it at the top of driveway by the garage and going straight down the hill and running into the shed. After that, I was taught how to ride it by starting at the barn where the slope wasn't as steep. I was probably around 10, when my parents bought me a 10-speed bicycle complete with hand-breaks; it was probably a birthday gift because my parents wouldn't have bought me something expensive like that for no good reason. That bike and I had our share of adventures: up and down the lane countless times, trips to church and Cwalinski's and Schwender's, camping excursions with my dad at Barkcamp, we even took it on at least one vacation. On other vacations we would rent bikes. It was at Put-N-Bay that I earned my major bike-scar... We got to visit Sandusky's hospital on that vacation with a 5 stitch souvenir. Once Richard and I returned from Japan and I started doing youth ministry, I dusted the old 10-speed off, and at least once a year, I planned a bike outing with the youth group, either on the St. C. trail or Barkcamp.

So, needless to say, I have been long anticipating that day that the girls were old enough to ride bikes! I thought it would be a great way for us to all get exercise without me being stuck either waiting for Richard to get home or doing dance and yoga videos in the living room. And I also looked forward to them creating their own bicycle memories!

This is probably the first experience I've had as a parent where I really over-extended my parental expectations by projecting my own childhood experiences on them. In my case, it was me wanting them to enjoy something that I really enjoy so we could share the experience together. Plus, it is good for their motor development and a great form of exercise. None of those are bad motives, but I think attaching emotional expectations to something like that can be! Parents do this all the time! I think it can particularly dangerous when the subconscious motivation the parent has is to compensate for an inadequacy he or she felt growing up.

There are so, so many examples of this: parents investing large chunks of their family income on things like travel leagues and sports camps, competitive dance, pageants, elite private schools, etc. All of those things can be positive experiences, but so often children are taught through them that academics and activities are from where their value derives. It can also put a huge strain on the family if it over-extends the budget or demands too much time.

Another area where I see this come into play is relationships. Through youth ministry, I've spent a lot time with junior high students. Statistically, the chances of someone marrying and staying married to the person they start dating in 7th grade, is nil. It just doesn't happen. And even in the rare situations where it does, you know there are at least 5 break-ups in between. Yet, repeatedly, I see parents making huge efforts to encourage dating at that age. Not that I would stop my girls from having boyfriends, I think it's a normal exploratory activity, but when the parent over-invests in the relationship by allowing it to mirror an adult dating relationship, I think it teaches that having a boyfriend gives a girl value.

In both examples, I think very often the parent is trying to compensate for something in which they felt inadequate in childhood or even adulthood. One of my goals as a parent is to teach my girls that they're special because God made them special. They have God-given gifts, natural abilities, and character traits that they should work hard to develop. But, I also want them to realize that my love for them doesn't change and their value as a person doesn't change, when they fail to meet my expectations.

So, back to the bikes. Evelyn and Riley stunk at riding bikes last summer. They were both whiny and wanted to quit if they couldn't get it right away or if they failed, or in this case, fell over. Our lane doesn't work well with training wheels; often times they'd hit a groove in the road where the training wheels would elevate the back tire and suddenly their bikes were stationary! And, for the most part, they just had really little interest in even trying. We took their bikes with us to Barkcamp and the playground where they could ride on a flat surface, but they still didn't enjoy it. I tried not to be too disappointed and reminded myself that they were a lot younger than I was when I started riding. It was still a deflating experience though.

Well, this spring rolled around, with all its wetness, and the bikes were still sitting in the shed having hardly been ridden. However, last week was really nice and the sunshine dried the road out a good bit, and Evelyn, on her own accord, learned to ride her bike. We had a lot of fun riding up and down the road. (Richard got me a new bike for Christmas and after Evelyn's sudden interest, I bought myself a bike trailer for Mother's Day). With one baby always on board, and Riley and Gigi in the trailer, I really have to work it!

Well, this week, Evelyn earned her first AK date, which was put off a few days because of the rain, but she picked going to the bike trail with me! How excited was I!? I decided to hold off on bringing my own bike because I wasn't sure how well she would do. (The bike trail is fairly flat because it is an old railroad, but there are some long gradual up-hill parts). Bad idea! Learning to ride on gravel makes one really fast on the asphalt! I would have had to jog to keep up with her and at seven months pregnant and not in the best shape that was not happening! So she would ride ahead and then stop and wait for me to catch up, and then repeat.

We had gone quite a ways and Evelyn was probably a good 20 yards ahead of me when I think she got distracted by some passing women walkers. All of a sudden, her front tire was pointed straight down a steep embankment! I yelled "Brake Evelyn! Brake!" But apparently, her instincts are still to drag her feet when she gets scared and down the hill she rolled! I was telling Richard about it at home last night laughing, but it had my heart pumping! She actually didn't tip over, but was abruptly stopped at the bottom by some brush and a dead tree limb. I don't know how she didn't get hurt or scratched up worse than she did, but with the exception of one little cut, she was fine. And she got back on and started riding again with no problems. Whew!

And now she has a bike story to share with her kids. Full circle. :)