Happy 8 Year Anniversary to Us!

Richard and I have been married 8 years to the day! I thought I would reflect on it for a minute. The May of 2003, it rained every day except for 5 days. Our wedding day wasn't one of them, but God held off the rain until after 10 p.m. that day, so it was none-the-less, a beautiful day: 70 degrees with white fluffy clouds and blue skies! Which was important, considering we were getting married in my parents front yard, and our back-up plans weren't nearly as picturesque. I think our wedding reflected our personalities: young, care-free, budget conscious but not overly cheap, and mostly, fun! The last thing in the world that I wanted was stuffy affair, the way I looked at weddings (and still do) is that the marriage ceremony is about the bride and groom, but the reception, is about celebrating! Not just celebrating the marriage, but it is about celebrating all the people who helped make the marriage possible, from parents and siblings to aunts and uncles to mentors and coaches to our lovely friends. We loved them all so much and we wanted to celebrate their influence in our life as much as our new marriage. So there was dinner and music and dancing, but there were also horse shoes, and croquet, and Bocce, and even an inflatable bounce house and joust. There was alcohol and cake and cookies too! A lot of people were drunk that day, but we weren't. There was really no need for it! We were so happy! One of the things that I love about our wedding pictures is that we're smiling, quite naturally, in every one. I loved our photographer so much; she understood that it wasn't about her, but was about capturing memories. She stayed until late in the evening (and we had a 1:30 p.m. ceremony, so she was there at some point in the morning). We took portrait shots, but we didn't pose the other shots, like the toast and the cake cutting. It was a hallmark party! As a matter of fact, we left at some point in the evening and party kept going on without us! Rumor has it that some people were there until the wee hours of the morning. My mom will tell you that the day was shy of perfection because she forgot the crackers for the meat and cheese tray, but we didn't care! It was a great day!

Obviously, this is irrational, but one thing that makes me sad is that our friends whom we met and who have influenced our lives since our wedding date, weren't there. They are so important to who we are today, 8 years later, and it just seems like they should have been there that day! So I'm thinking a huge party is in order on some anniversary date, so they can be there, and we can celebrate them too!

I just read an interesting article lately about how the divorce rate in the United States in shrinking! Yep, that's right! Since 1996, divorce rates in the United States have gone down. However, not for every demographic, divorce rates have stayed the same or even increased for those people who have not continued their education beyond high school. I think that's a blunt statement. For example, I think Richard's Navy experience helped him mature just as much as my college experience helped me. But regardless, I get it. In college, I majored in psychology. I have yet to work in a field that actually requires that particular degree, but I think it has contributed a lot to my understanding of people. Couple my degree with everything my mom taught me in her years and years of fostering, my natural inclination toward analyzing people (I call it perception), and my years of studying relationships so I can teach teenagers about them, you have a person that gets people. I'd be amiss if I concluded that all of that hasn't contributed to my marriage. (There have been times in our marriage where Richard hasn't been too fond of my degree. And let's face it, dudes don't usually over-analyze things. So, I'll want to get to the bottom of an issue in our marriage, and he'll be like, "stop psycho-analyzing me." Haha... that's a total detour from my point).

Back to college, and it's influence on our marriage. My favorite psychology class I ever took was Social Psychology. There was a chapter on marriage, and I remember this diagram, very clearly, (but not whose theory it was)...

It was a triangle. At each point there was a word: commitment, passion, and friendship. The theory was that a healthy marriage was one that sat right in the middle of the triangle, and if the point of balance shifted in a particular direction, that influenced the marriage. Some examples:

-If a marriage or relationship was based solely on passion (and by passion, you know what I mean), the relationship would dissipate when the passion faded, as it always does at some point.
-If the marriage was based solely on commitment, it would be an empty, dissatisfying marriage. I think you see this imbalance result in "older" divorces, when the commitment can't hold on any longer.
-If the marriage was based solely on friendship, it could be rewarding for a time and the couple may be happy, but could be vulnerable to affairs.
-Omit passion, and the relationship can be healthy for a time, but the lack of intimacy can interfere over extended periods of time.
-Omit friendship, (hmmm - I can't remember this one, but I can envision those relationships that break-up and get back together over and over again)!
-Omit commitment, and you'll have a healthy and happy relationship until conflict arises, and eventually divorce will occur once the conflict interferes with the friendship and passion.

So, over our 8 years, we've tried to keep our triangle centered. Richard and I have always quite naturally been friends. We have a lot in common: our love for Jesus, family, friends, music, laughter, and fun! But we do try to conscious about spending time as just the two of us and finding ways to invest in our friendship. I have to give Richard props for recognizing pretty early on that playing video games and watching television were not valuable ways to strengthen our friendship! :)

The passion point, well, we have 3 almost 4 kids, spent almost 3 years living with my parents, and have been living in a two-bedroom house for the last 3 years, so I'm not going to pretend like that's always been perfect! But, we try! Funny side story: one thing we do at camp a lot, is let the kids ask us questions. Well, a few summers ago Kayla and I were answering questions from a group of boys regarding girls. One of the boys asked me, point blank, "You know in the sitcoms, how after you're married for a few years and have a few kids, you don't have sex anymore. Is that true?" Hahaha. Junior high boys. Let's just say part of the reason why Everybody Loves Raymond was so funny, was because it was so true! (By the way, that was a completely valid question, and I tried to answer it the best I could without being inappropriate).

And commitment, I think what's important about that one is not seeing it as a commitment to not get divorced, but seeing it as a commitment to remain in a love-filled marriage. When you take your wedding vows, you make a promise to do certain things - not, not do certain things. I have to say that when we've gone through trying times, it was a our commitment to remaining in love that carried us through, more so, than our commitment to not getting divorced.

Now, mind you, I have probably shared all this with Richard at some point, and he probably doesn't remember! So, while I tend to more consciously think about the triangle, he probably thinks: "Friendship. Yep. That's good. Sex. Yep. That's good. Keeping our marriage happy by keeping Kendra happy. Yep. That's good." ;-)

I love you, Richard! So, so glad we chose each other!