The Favorite Game

My mom just stopped and picked up the girls for what will presumably be a few hours. And I feel stress melting off my shoulders like hot wax drips from the tip of the just lit candle. I could use the time to dive into some more cleaning/baby prep work that needs done; after all, the crib is starting to overflow with unfolded laundry, winter coats that need put away, and summer clothes that have yet to be properly swapped with their winter counterparts. D day is plus or minus 11 weeks. I have decided instead to make myself a chai and indulge in some "me time." My week has been on the stressful side and writing helps me process.

I purposely don't write things about my family that are specifically negative. Not to be unauthentic, but because I wouldn't be happy if someone decided to pick up a pen and write about my nasty side, so I'll pay the same respect due to them. But nasty sides we do have. In particular, I've been dealing with specific behavior issues with one of my children that have me questioning my parenting - both present and future. You start to wonder how many days you can endure before the tumult will subside. It's times like this that I'm thankful that I have a supportive husband and friends who can offer me fresh perspective when mine is tapped out.

I've been spending some time preparing for camp. (A friend of mine and I direct a week long summer camp for 9-12th graders. I'm so glad I'm still doing it! When I lost my job in youth ministry, I felt like I was giving up a part of myself, but fortunately, this is enough to feed that part of my soul when my life phase is leading me somewhere else). We've decided to focus on the books of Genesis and John, with the afternoon Bible studies focusing on gender based case studies from Genesis. Genesis is probably my favorite book of the Bible, and I'm excited that I get to use the next month to study it a little more in depth. For me, it's like entering into a Bond of Ancient Sisterhood. I'm not sure how anyone could read from it and consider the most ancient Biblical records antiquated. The stories that unfold read like a rip off from a Jerry Springer show:

A good woman gets caught up with a snake of man and lead down the wrong path.
A socialite desperate to have a child prompts her maid to surrogate for her, but then things turn a nasty as jealousy rears its angry head.
A mother who favors one son over the other to compensate for an ill bond between father and son.
Two sisters fighting desperately for the love of one man.
A woman ignored by her husband tries to seduce the "pool" boy only to get shot down.

I love Genesis and all its soap opera-y goodness. But perhaps the reason I love it the most is because I can relate to these women! I relate to lure of temptation and sin. I relate to the woman desperate to have what others take for granted, who would manipulate her husband to have her way. And recently, I've really been thinking about Rebecca.

I love how the author of Genesis makes no excuses for the fact that Rebecca favored Jacob. He was certainly a mama's boy and obviously he needed some extra loving since all Isaac did was brag about Esau's mad hunting skills (I totally exaggerated this, but you can totally see this taking place today)! Besides, who doesn't love a man who can cook? Ultimately, she and Jacob concocted a plan for Jacob to steal Esau's inheritance by pooling the wool, or should I say goat skin, over Isaac's eyes.

This is pretty devious and I sincerely can't imagine pitting my children against one another like that, but I'm not going to be too harsh a judge. I mean her sons were the grandchildren of Abraham - the heirs of the God's covenant. Maybe she really just thought Jacob would do a better a job, but then again probably not. She was probably just like millions of other moms who for whatever reason connect better to one child over another.

One thing that has really surprised me over the years is the number of moms who will actually admit to having a favorite child. Or even more commonly an almost dislike of a particular child with whom her personality clashes. I'm not saying she doesn't love her kid - just that their relationship would possibly function better long distance. Seriously, catch a mom on an off day, and she'll tell you about how much one of her kids just digs at her skin. (What I find amusing is it's usually the child who is most like her)!

I know you're now expecting me to confess that I have a favorite or that one of my kids drives me crazy! Well, to be perfectly honest, I'm not there yet! Mostly because the Bond of Ancient Sisterhood reminds me of the dangers (sibling rivalry, marital discord, etc.). However, while there are things about all my kids' personalities that I adore, there are also things that drive me batty! (And yes, I have noticed that the things that drive me batty may be similar to my own personal pit falls). And, I certainly go through phases where the negatives stand out more than the positives. Case in point, this past week.

Here are some things I try to do to help me battle negative feelings toward one of my children:
1. Remind myself that her feelings matter! (Is it possible that we're not getting along because of something I've done or am doing)?
2. Spend solo time with her where she chooses the activity. It's easy for children to feel like they have no control. Obviously, kids need to respect parental authority, but everyone needs a little autonomy. And every successful relationship takes time to maintain. Do you feel better about your husband after a date night? This works for kids too.
3. Write down a list of 10 things you adore about her. In the heat of the moment, this can actually be a high challenge! But it will change your perspective!

Do you have any tips for battling animosity toward your kids?