Tuesday, May 24, 2011
An AK Success
On Saturday night, Gigi had a cold. She didn't sleep very well because her sinus drainage kept making her cough and at one point through the night she ran a slight fever. Needless to say, I didn't sleep very well either. So, at one point, early Sunday morning, when she woke me up yet again, I turned off the alarm. I figured if we woke up in time for church, we would go... If not, we wouldn't go. Well, I woke up 45 minutes before we needed to leave for church. Now, if it was just Richard and I that would be fine, but we have three kids under 6! In our former life, we would have never made it. However, I woke everyone up, explained that we had slept in and that if we were going to make it to church everyone would have to do their morning chores quickly. Not only were we not late, but we made it in time for announcements! I was so proud of my girls.
Happy 8 Year Anniversary to Us!
Richard and I have been married 8 years to the day! I thought I would reflect on it for a minute. The May of 2003, it rained every day except for 5 days. Our wedding day wasn't one of them, but God held off the rain until after 10 p.m. that day, so it was none-the-less, a beautiful day: 70 degrees with white fluffy clouds and blue skies! Which was important, considering we were getting married in my parents front yard, and our back-up plans weren't nearly as picturesque. I think our wedding reflected our personalities: young, care-free, budget conscious but not overly cheap, and mostly, fun! The last thing in the world that I wanted was stuffy affair, the way I looked at weddings (and still do) is that the marriage ceremony is about the bride and groom, but the reception, is about celebrating! Not just celebrating the marriage, but it is about celebrating all the people who helped make the marriage possible, from parents and siblings to aunts and uncles to mentors and coaches to our lovely friends. We loved them all so much and we wanted to celebrate their influence in our life as much as our new marriage. So there was dinner and music and dancing, but there were also horse shoes, and croquet, and Bocce, and even an inflatable bounce house and joust. There was alcohol and cake and cookies too! A lot of people were drunk that day, but we weren't. There was really no need for it! We were so happy! One of the things that I love about our wedding pictures is that we're smiling, quite naturally, in every one. I loved our photographer so much; she understood that it wasn't about her, but was about capturing memories. She stayed until late in the evening (and we had a 1:30 p.m. ceremony, so she was there at some point in the morning). We took portrait shots, but we didn't pose the other shots, like the toast and the cake cutting. It was a hallmark party! As a matter of fact, we left at some point in the evening and party kept going on without us! Rumor has it that some people were there until the wee hours of the morning. My mom will tell you that the day was shy of perfection because she forgot the crackers for the meat and cheese tray, but we didn't care! It was a great day!
Obviously, this is irrational, but one thing that makes me sad is that our friends whom we met and who have influenced our lives since our wedding date, weren't there. They are so important to who we are today, 8 years later, and it just seems like they should have been there that day! So I'm thinking a huge party is in order on some anniversary date, so they can be there, and we can celebrate them too!
I just read an interesting article lately about how the divorce rate in the United States in shrinking! Yep, that's right! Since 1996, divorce rates in the United States have gone down. However, not for every demographic, divorce rates have stayed the same or even increased for those people who have not continued their education beyond high school. I think that's a blunt statement. For example, I think Richard's Navy experience helped him mature just as much as my college experience helped me. But regardless, I get it. In college, I majored in psychology. I have yet to work in a field that actually requires that particular degree, but I think it has contributed a lot to my understanding of people. Couple my degree with everything my mom taught me in her years and years of fostering, my natural inclination toward analyzing people (I call it perception), and my years of studying relationships so I can teach teenagers about them, you have a person that gets people. I'd be amiss if I concluded that all of that hasn't contributed to my marriage. (There have been times in our marriage where Richard hasn't been too fond of my degree. And let's face it, dudes don't usually over-analyze things. So, I'll want to get to the bottom of an issue in our marriage, and he'll be like, "stop psycho-analyzing me." Haha... that's a total detour from my point).
Back to college, and it's influence on our marriage. My favorite psychology class I ever took was Social Psychology. There was a chapter on marriage, and I remember this diagram, very clearly, (but not whose theory it was)...
It was a triangle. At each point there was a word: commitment, passion, and friendship. The theory was that a healthy marriage was one that sat right in the middle of the triangle, and if the point of balance shifted in a particular direction, that influenced the marriage. Some examples:
-If a marriage or relationship was based solely on passion (and by passion, you know what I mean), the relationship would dissipate when the passion faded, as it always does at some point.
-If the marriage was based solely on commitment, it would be an empty, dissatisfying marriage. I think you see this imbalance result in "older" divorces, when the commitment can't hold on any longer.
-If the marriage was based solely on friendship, it could be rewarding for a time and the couple may be happy, but could be vulnerable to affairs.
-Omit passion, and the relationship can be healthy for a time, but the lack of intimacy can interfere over extended periods of time.
-Omit friendship, (hmmm - I can't remember this one, but I can envision those relationships that break-up and get back together over and over again)!
-Omit commitment, and you'll have a healthy and happy relationship until conflict arises, and eventually divorce will occur once the conflict interferes with the friendship and passion.
So, over our 8 years, we've tried to keep our triangle centered. Richard and I have always quite naturally been friends. We have a lot in common: our love for Jesus, family, friends, music, laughter, and fun! But we do try to conscious about spending time as just the two of us and finding ways to invest in our friendship. I have to give Richard props for recognizing pretty early on that playing video games and watching television were not valuable ways to strengthen our friendship! :)
The passion point, well, we have 3 almost 4 kids, spent almost 3 years living with my parents, and have been living in a two-bedroom house for the last 3 years, so I'm not going to pretend like that's always been perfect! But, we try! Funny side story: one thing we do at camp a lot, is let the kids ask us questions. Well, a few summers ago Kayla and I were answering questions from a group of boys regarding girls. One of the boys asked me, point blank, "You know in the sitcoms, how after you're married for a few years and have a few kids, you don't have sex anymore. Is that true?" Hahaha. Junior high boys. Let's just say part of the reason why Everybody Loves Raymond was so funny, was because it was so true! (By the way, that was a completely valid question, and I tried to answer it the best I could without being inappropriate).
And commitment, I think what's important about that one is not seeing it as a commitment to not get divorced, but seeing it as a commitment to remain in a love-filled marriage. When you take your wedding vows, you make a promise to do certain things - not, not do certain things. I have to say that when we've gone through trying times, it was a our commitment to remaining in love that carried us through, more so, than our commitment to not getting divorced.
Now, mind you, I have probably shared all this with Richard at some point, and he probably doesn't remember! So, while I tend to more consciously think about the triangle, he probably thinks: "Friendship. Yep. That's good. Sex. Yep. That's good. Keeping our marriage happy by keeping Kendra happy. Yep. That's good." ;-)
I love you, Richard! So, so glad we chose each other!
Obviously, this is irrational, but one thing that makes me sad is that our friends whom we met and who have influenced our lives since our wedding date, weren't there. They are so important to who we are today, 8 years later, and it just seems like they should have been there that day! So I'm thinking a huge party is in order on some anniversary date, so they can be there, and we can celebrate them too!
I just read an interesting article lately about how the divorce rate in the United States in shrinking! Yep, that's right! Since 1996, divorce rates in the United States have gone down. However, not for every demographic, divorce rates have stayed the same or even increased for those people who have not continued their education beyond high school. I think that's a blunt statement. For example, I think Richard's Navy experience helped him mature just as much as my college experience helped me. But regardless, I get it. In college, I majored in psychology. I have yet to work in a field that actually requires that particular degree, but I think it has contributed a lot to my understanding of people. Couple my degree with everything my mom taught me in her years and years of fostering, my natural inclination toward analyzing people (I call it perception), and my years of studying relationships so I can teach teenagers about them, you have a person that gets people. I'd be amiss if I concluded that all of that hasn't contributed to my marriage. (There have been times in our marriage where Richard hasn't been too fond of my degree. And let's face it, dudes don't usually over-analyze things. So, I'll want to get to the bottom of an issue in our marriage, and he'll be like, "stop psycho-analyzing me." Haha... that's a total detour from my point).
Back to college, and it's influence on our marriage. My favorite psychology class I ever took was Social Psychology. There was a chapter on marriage, and I remember this diagram, very clearly, (but not whose theory it was)...
It was a triangle. At each point there was a word: commitment, passion, and friendship. The theory was that a healthy marriage was one that sat right in the middle of the triangle, and if the point of balance shifted in a particular direction, that influenced the marriage. Some examples:
-If a marriage or relationship was based solely on passion (and by passion, you know what I mean), the relationship would dissipate when the passion faded, as it always does at some point.
-If the marriage was based solely on commitment, it would be an empty, dissatisfying marriage. I think you see this imbalance result in "older" divorces, when the commitment can't hold on any longer.
-If the marriage was based solely on friendship, it could be rewarding for a time and the couple may be happy, but could be vulnerable to affairs.
-Omit passion, and the relationship can be healthy for a time, but the lack of intimacy can interfere over extended periods of time.
-Omit friendship, (hmmm - I can't remember this one, but I can envision those relationships that break-up and get back together over and over again)!
-Omit commitment, and you'll have a healthy and happy relationship until conflict arises, and eventually divorce will occur once the conflict interferes with the friendship and passion.
So, over our 8 years, we've tried to keep our triangle centered. Richard and I have always quite naturally been friends. We have a lot in common: our love for Jesus, family, friends, music, laughter, and fun! But we do try to conscious about spending time as just the two of us and finding ways to invest in our friendship. I have to give Richard props for recognizing pretty early on that playing video games and watching television were not valuable ways to strengthen our friendship! :)
The passion point, well, we have 3 almost 4 kids, spent almost 3 years living with my parents, and have been living in a two-bedroom house for the last 3 years, so I'm not going to pretend like that's always been perfect! But, we try! Funny side story: one thing we do at camp a lot, is let the kids ask us questions. Well, a few summers ago Kayla and I were answering questions from a group of boys regarding girls. One of the boys asked me, point blank, "You know in the sitcoms, how after you're married for a few years and have a few kids, you don't have sex anymore. Is that true?" Hahaha. Junior high boys. Let's just say part of the reason why Everybody Loves Raymond was so funny, was because it was so true! (By the way, that was a completely valid question, and I tried to answer it the best I could without being inappropriate).
And commitment, I think what's important about that one is not seeing it as a commitment to not get divorced, but seeing it as a commitment to remain in a love-filled marriage. When you take your wedding vows, you make a promise to do certain things - not, not do certain things. I have to say that when we've gone through trying times, it was a our commitment to remaining in love that carried us through, more so, than our commitment to not getting divorced.
Now, mind you, I have probably shared all this with Richard at some point, and he probably doesn't remember! So, while I tend to more consciously think about the triangle, he probably thinks: "Friendship. Yep. That's good. Sex. Yep. That's good. Keeping our marriage happy by keeping Kendra happy. Yep. That's good." ;-)
I love you, Richard! So, so glad we chose each other!
Friday, May 20, 2011
Parental Expectations
Last Easter, we got Evelyn and Riley their first bicycles! Riley had just turned 3 and Evelyn was 4, going to turn 5 in August. I was so excited! I had these grand delusions about how much fun we were going to have. One of my favorite childhood pastimes is riding my bike. I used to draw-up maps of the farm and plot out "roads" that lead to all my imaginary friends homes. Mind you, Seth was my only sibling at the time and we didn't always play well together. But, I had a very active imagination and spent hours upon hours playing with myself. My bike was usually either my car or my horse. I even built a car seat for my baby dolls using scrap wood and ropes. Even once I hit junior high and high school, where my imagination was redirected to more realistic pursuits, I still enjoyed bike riding, and I still do as an adult. There's nothing like riding down a hill on a hot summer day and having the breeze cool you down. Now mind you, I think I was probably around 6 or 7 before I got my first "real" bike, a hand-me-down from my cousin. It was purple and white and had a "banana" seat. I specifically remember getting on it at the top of driveway by the garage and going straight down the hill and running into the shed. After that, I was taught how to ride it by starting at the barn where the slope wasn't as steep. I was probably around 10, when my parents bought me a 10-speed bicycle complete with hand-breaks; it was probably a birthday gift because my parents wouldn't have bought me something expensive like that for no good reason. That bike and I had our share of adventures: up and down the lane countless times, trips to church and Cwalinski's and Schwender's, camping excursions with my dad at Barkcamp, we even took it on at least one vacation. On other vacations we would rent bikes. It was at Put-N-Bay that I earned my major bike-scar... We got to visit Sandusky's hospital on that vacation with a 5 stitch souvenir. Once Richard and I returned from Japan and I started doing youth ministry, I dusted the old 10-speed off, and at least once a year, I planned a bike outing with the youth group, either on the St. C. trail or Barkcamp.
So, needless to say, I have been long anticipating that day that the girls were old enough to ride bikes! I thought it would be a great way for us to all get exercise without me being stuck either waiting for Richard to get home or doing dance and yoga videos in the living room. And I also looked forward to them creating their own bicycle memories!
This is probably the first experience I've had as a parent where I really over-extended my parental expectations by projecting my own childhood experiences on them. In my case, it was me wanting them to enjoy something that I really enjoy so we could share the experience together. Plus, it is good for their motor development and a great form of exercise. None of those are bad motives, but I think attaching emotional expectations to something like that can be! Parents do this all the time! I think it can particularly dangerous when the subconscious motivation the parent has is to compensate for an inadequacy he or she felt growing up.
There are so, so many examples of this: parents investing large chunks of their family income on things like travel leagues and sports camps, competitive dance, pageants, elite private schools, etc. All of those things can be positive experiences, but so often children are taught through them that academics and activities are from where their value derives. It can also put a huge strain on the family if it over-extends the budget or demands too much time.
Another area where I see this come into play is relationships. Through youth ministry, I've spent a lot time with junior high students. Statistically, the chances of someone marrying and staying married to the person they start dating in 7th grade, is nil. It just doesn't happen. And even in the rare situations where it does, you know there are at least 5 break-ups in between. Yet, repeatedly, I see parents making huge efforts to encourage dating at that age. Not that I would stop my girls from having boyfriends, I think it's a normal exploratory activity, but when the parent over-invests in the relationship by allowing it to mirror an adult dating relationship, I think it teaches that having a boyfriend gives a girl value.
In both examples, I think very often the parent is trying to compensate for something in which they felt inadequate in childhood or even adulthood. One of my goals as a parent is to teach my girls that they're special because God made them special. They have God-given gifts, natural abilities, and character traits that they should work hard to develop. But, I also want them to realize that my love for them doesn't change and their value as a person doesn't change, when they fail to meet my expectations.
So, back to the bikes. Evelyn and Riley stunk at riding bikes last summer. They were both whiny and wanted to quit if they couldn't get it right away or if they failed, or in this case, fell over. Our lane doesn't work well with training wheels; often times they'd hit a groove in the road where the training wheels would elevate the back tire and suddenly their bikes were stationary! And, for the most part, they just had really little interest in even trying. We took their bikes with us to Barkcamp and the playground where they could ride on a flat surface, but they still didn't enjoy it. I tried not to be too disappointed and reminded myself that they were a lot younger than I was when I started riding. It was still a deflating experience though.
Well, this spring rolled around, with all its wetness, and the bikes were still sitting in the shed having hardly been ridden. However, last week was really nice and the sunshine dried the road out a good bit, and Evelyn, on her own accord, learned to ride her bike. We had a lot of fun riding up and down the road. (Richard got me a new bike for Christmas and after Evelyn's sudden interest, I bought myself a bike trailer for Mother's Day). With one baby always on board, and Riley and Gigi in the trailer, I really have to work it!
Well, this week, Evelyn earned her first AK date, which was put off a few days because of the rain, but she picked going to the bike trail with me! How excited was I!? I decided to hold off on bringing my own bike because I wasn't sure how well she would do. (The bike trail is fairly flat because it is an old railroad, but there are some long gradual up-hill parts). Bad idea! Learning to ride on gravel makes one really fast on the asphalt! I would have had to jog to keep up with her and at seven months pregnant and not in the best shape that was not happening! So she would ride ahead and then stop and wait for me to catch up, and then repeat.
We had gone quite a ways and Evelyn was probably a good 20 yards ahead of me when I think she got distracted by some passing women walkers. All of a sudden, her front tire was pointed straight down a steep embankment! I yelled "Brake Evelyn! Brake!" But apparently, her instincts are still to drag her feet when she gets scared and down the hill she rolled! I was telling Richard about it at home last night laughing, but it had my heart pumping! She actually didn't tip over, but was abruptly stopped at the bottom by some brush and a dead tree limb. I don't know how she didn't get hurt or scratched up worse than she did, but with the exception of one little cut, she was fine. And she got back on and started riding again with no problems. Whew!
And now she has a bike story to share with her kids. Full circle. :)
So, needless to say, I have been long anticipating that day that the girls were old enough to ride bikes! I thought it would be a great way for us to all get exercise without me being stuck either waiting for Richard to get home or doing dance and yoga videos in the living room. And I also looked forward to them creating their own bicycle memories!
This is probably the first experience I've had as a parent where I really over-extended my parental expectations by projecting my own childhood experiences on them. In my case, it was me wanting them to enjoy something that I really enjoy so we could share the experience together. Plus, it is good for their motor development and a great form of exercise. None of those are bad motives, but I think attaching emotional expectations to something like that can be! Parents do this all the time! I think it can particularly dangerous when the subconscious motivation the parent has is to compensate for an inadequacy he or she felt growing up.
There are so, so many examples of this: parents investing large chunks of their family income on things like travel leagues and sports camps, competitive dance, pageants, elite private schools, etc. All of those things can be positive experiences, but so often children are taught through them that academics and activities are from where their value derives. It can also put a huge strain on the family if it over-extends the budget or demands too much time.
Another area where I see this come into play is relationships. Through youth ministry, I've spent a lot time with junior high students. Statistically, the chances of someone marrying and staying married to the person they start dating in 7th grade, is nil. It just doesn't happen. And even in the rare situations where it does, you know there are at least 5 break-ups in between. Yet, repeatedly, I see parents making huge efforts to encourage dating at that age. Not that I would stop my girls from having boyfriends, I think it's a normal exploratory activity, but when the parent over-invests in the relationship by allowing it to mirror an adult dating relationship, I think it teaches that having a boyfriend gives a girl value.
In both examples, I think very often the parent is trying to compensate for something in which they felt inadequate in childhood or even adulthood. One of my goals as a parent is to teach my girls that they're special because God made them special. They have God-given gifts, natural abilities, and character traits that they should work hard to develop. But, I also want them to realize that my love for them doesn't change and their value as a person doesn't change, when they fail to meet my expectations.
So, back to the bikes. Evelyn and Riley stunk at riding bikes last summer. They were both whiny and wanted to quit if they couldn't get it right away or if they failed, or in this case, fell over. Our lane doesn't work well with training wheels; often times they'd hit a groove in the road where the training wheels would elevate the back tire and suddenly their bikes were stationary! And, for the most part, they just had really little interest in even trying. We took their bikes with us to Barkcamp and the playground where they could ride on a flat surface, but they still didn't enjoy it. I tried not to be too disappointed and reminded myself that they were a lot younger than I was when I started riding. It was still a deflating experience though.
Well, this spring rolled around, with all its wetness, and the bikes were still sitting in the shed having hardly been ridden. However, last week was really nice and the sunshine dried the road out a good bit, and Evelyn, on her own accord, learned to ride her bike. We had a lot of fun riding up and down the road. (Richard got me a new bike for Christmas and after Evelyn's sudden interest, I bought myself a bike trailer for Mother's Day). With one baby always on board, and Riley and Gigi in the trailer, I really have to work it!
Well, this week, Evelyn earned her first AK date, which was put off a few days because of the rain, but she picked going to the bike trail with me! How excited was I!? I decided to hold off on bringing my own bike because I wasn't sure how well she would do. (The bike trail is fairly flat because it is an old railroad, but there are some long gradual up-hill parts). Bad idea! Learning to ride on gravel makes one really fast on the asphalt! I would have had to jog to keep up with her and at seven months pregnant and not in the best shape that was not happening! So she would ride ahead and then stop and wait for me to catch up, and then repeat.
We had gone quite a ways and Evelyn was probably a good 20 yards ahead of me when I think she got distracted by some passing women walkers. All of a sudden, her front tire was pointed straight down a steep embankment! I yelled "Brake Evelyn! Brake!" But apparently, her instincts are still to drag her feet when she gets scared and down the hill she rolled! I was telling Richard about it at home last night laughing, but it had my heart pumping! She actually didn't tip over, but was abruptly stopped at the bottom by some brush and a dead tree limb. I don't know how she didn't get hurt or scratched up worse than she did, but with the exception of one little cut, she was fine. And she got back on and started riding again with no problems. Whew!
And now she has a bike story to share with her kids. Full circle. :)
Thursday, May 12, 2011
A Pregnancy Rant!
I'm starting this off from a bad mood, so you've been warned. I'm sitting here, just after 11 a.m., sipping on a warm chai because I couldn't manage to make it through today without caffeine. I didn't want to make a chai. It's been hot this week and we don't have our air conditioner in yet, so I try not to cook or run any heat producing appliances until after the high heat of the day has passed in order to keep the house bearable. I also don't like drinking hot beverages because it warms my core, and my pregnant body is at the point where it doesn't need its core warmed, but I didn't have anything else in the house with caffeine in it, and iced chais are just gross. I'm tired because for I didn't sleep well due to the normal pregnancy related issues coupled with my families' feeling of entitlement to wake me up! Yes, in addition to my bladder waking me up, I was awakened, often intentionally, by my family at least 4 times last night. So at this time I would like to make a public service announcement to all people who live with a pregnant lady (sarcasm intended):
WAKING A PREGNANT LADY UP, ESPECIALLY WHEN SHE IS IN DEEP SLEEP, MAY BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH. IF YOU MUST ENTER THE ROOM OF A SLEEPING PREGNANT LADY, DO SO WITH EXTREME CAUTION, MAKING NO NOISE. DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES (even if she fell asleep on your side of the bed) ATTEMPT TO WAKE HER UP.
Chai. Ice water. Chai. Ice water. Chai. Ice Water.
This has given me an idea! Post comments and we'll co-write an e-book entitled "Living with a pregnant a woman: 100 things you shouldn't say and do." After we get enough suggestions, we'll have present and past pregnant ladies vote on which one's should make the book. NYT Best Seller List, here we come!
WAKING A PREGNANT LADY UP, ESPECIALLY WHEN SHE IS IN DEEP SLEEP, MAY BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH. IF YOU MUST ENTER THE ROOM OF A SLEEPING PREGNANT LADY, DO SO WITH EXTREME CAUTION, MAKING NO NOISE. DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES (even if she fell asleep on your side of the bed) ATTEMPT TO WAKE HER UP.
Chai. Ice water. Chai. Ice water. Chai. Ice Water.
This has given me an idea! Post comments and we'll co-write an e-book entitled "Living with a pregnant a woman: 100 things you shouldn't say and do." After we get enough suggestions, we'll have present and past pregnant ladies vote on which one's should make the book. NYT Best Seller List, here we come!
Accountable Kids: Week 3
We just completed Week 3 of the Accountable Kids (AK) program. We're still on Step 2.1, which means our kids have chores that they are responsible for completing every morning, afternoon, and evening. They are very basic: brush teeth, get dressed, etc. When they complete their chores, they earn privileges like watching television, playing with certain toys, visiting my parents (we live next door and so once summer hits my kids like to do this daily since they can walk there, but they are also notorious for using it as an excuse to get out of responsibilities here). That was step one. We have implemented the first part of Step 2, which is when they complete 10 days of doing all their chores they earn a special date with Mommy or Daddy or possibly a grandparent. Evelyn is one star away from earning her date, and Riley went on her first date with me yesterday!
The other part of Step 2 is implementing what the program calls a privilege pass - it's something you award daily if they avoid a negative behavior. I would like to start using it with Evelyn to work on her sassy mouth and eventually Evelyn and Riley on their bedtime habits. But the trouble I'm having is coming up with a privilege that would be motivating enough that we could afford (either with time or money) to give daily. Anyone have suggestions? The book is usually really good about giving suggestions, but they only two they gave for this particular topic: playing with friends after school (doesn't apply to us) or playing a board game with Dad. That idea may be motivating for some behaviors, but wouldn't work for others.
So how have we been doing with the program? Ah, pretty lax this week! They've still been doing their chores, primarily because they are very motivated to get dates, but I've been dismissing a lot of their chores. Mainly because some things I have to do on my end in order for them to complete their end. For example, they're supposed to fold and put away their laundry. That only happens if I do the laundry! We also haven't done school this week. Why? Well, Gigi had a doctor's appointment on Monday so we followed that up with lunch and a much needed shopping trip for maternity clothes, sandals, and underwear for me, plus new rain boots for the girls. Gigi had worn holes in the pair that had gone through Evelyn and Riley and the other two outgrew theirs. Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday were gorgeous days here in the midst of our very, very wet Spring. [Actually, as I write people all along the Mississippi river are dealing with massive (unseen since 1927) flooding, in part due to our run-off which goes right into the Ohio. So pray for them]. So on our shopping trip, I bought the bike trailer I've been wanting and we've had 3 straight days of hard core physical education complete with slip'n slides and hours of bike riding (and pretty nice sun tans)! Actually, Evelyn did learn how to ride her bike (with training wheels) proficiently this week. She's still a little bit afraid going around turns and down hills, but I'm excited that we'll be able to hit the bike trail some this summer. (My trailer converts to a jogging stroller, so I can get my walking in pushing the younger two, while Evelyn rides).
When we bought this program, one of the things Richard didn't like about it was that the girls had to earn dates. He didn't want them to think that they had earn time with him, as it does present a works versus grace oriented mentality. I understood his concern, but I still encouraged him to do the program as designed in its entirety since it gets rave reviews for being successful. (And it doesn't mean he can't take the girls on dates just because either)! I have to say that I don't think the program would work without that aspect, while the girls are motivated to earn privileges, they are much, much more motivated to earn dates! They are both familiar with dates because Richard does, on occasion, take them on one, so the idea of getting to go on them more frequently and with Mommy got them pretty fired up.
When Riley was a few a days away from earning her first date, she started to get very excited! She would say to me, "No Evelyn. No Gigi. No Daddy. Just me and Mommy!" Since I'm a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom, I spend a ton of time with my kids. It never really dawned on me how much she valued being the object of my undivided attention with no one around to interrupt! Not only was she excited to do something fun; she was excited to do it with just me. She chose to go to Eat'N Park and mini-golfing. And I surprised her with a trip to her favorite ice cream store afterward. Riley is such a sweet, fun-loving little girl. She danced and sang her way around the golf course, often helping me get the ball out of the hole since bending over that far after eating is not pleasant at this point in the pregnancy. She is also pretty introverted. Our car rides to and from were mostly silent with the exception of me asking her some questions. We didn't really talk about anything significant, but just enjoyed each other's company and the fun of the moment! (She'll make a great girlfriend one day)!
She did have a little bit of a sourpuss attitude toward doing her chores today! :) Oh, and I'm still trying to figure out how to get Gigi to quit emptying the cards from everyone's hooks!
The other part of Step 2 is implementing what the program calls a privilege pass - it's something you award daily if they avoid a negative behavior. I would like to start using it with Evelyn to work on her sassy mouth and eventually Evelyn and Riley on their bedtime habits. But the trouble I'm having is coming up with a privilege that would be motivating enough that we could afford (either with time or money) to give daily. Anyone have suggestions? The book is usually really good about giving suggestions, but they only two they gave for this particular topic: playing with friends after school (doesn't apply to us) or playing a board game with Dad. That idea may be motivating for some behaviors, but wouldn't work for others.
So how have we been doing with the program? Ah, pretty lax this week! They've still been doing their chores, primarily because they are very motivated to get dates, but I've been dismissing a lot of their chores. Mainly because some things I have to do on my end in order for them to complete their end. For example, they're supposed to fold and put away their laundry. That only happens if I do the laundry! We also haven't done school this week. Why? Well, Gigi had a doctor's appointment on Monday so we followed that up with lunch and a much needed shopping trip for maternity clothes, sandals, and underwear for me, plus new rain boots for the girls. Gigi had worn holes in the pair that had gone through Evelyn and Riley and the other two outgrew theirs. Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday were gorgeous days here in the midst of our very, very wet Spring. [Actually, as I write people all along the Mississippi river are dealing with massive (unseen since 1927) flooding, in part due to our run-off which goes right into the Ohio. So pray for them]. So on our shopping trip, I bought the bike trailer I've been wanting and we've had 3 straight days of hard core physical education complete with slip'n slides and hours of bike riding (and pretty nice sun tans)! Actually, Evelyn did learn how to ride her bike (with training wheels) proficiently this week. She's still a little bit afraid going around turns and down hills, but I'm excited that we'll be able to hit the bike trail some this summer. (My trailer converts to a jogging stroller, so I can get my walking in pushing the younger two, while Evelyn rides).
When we bought this program, one of the things Richard didn't like about it was that the girls had to earn dates. He didn't want them to think that they had earn time with him, as it does present a works versus grace oriented mentality. I understood his concern, but I still encouraged him to do the program as designed in its entirety since it gets rave reviews for being successful. (And it doesn't mean he can't take the girls on dates just because either)! I have to say that I don't think the program would work without that aspect, while the girls are motivated to earn privileges, they are much, much more motivated to earn dates! They are both familiar with dates because Richard does, on occasion, take them on one, so the idea of getting to go on them more frequently and with Mommy got them pretty fired up.
When Riley was a few a days away from earning her first date, she started to get very excited! She would say to me, "No Evelyn. No Gigi. No Daddy. Just me and Mommy!" Since I'm a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom, I spend a ton of time with my kids. It never really dawned on me how much she valued being the object of my undivided attention with no one around to interrupt! Not only was she excited to do something fun; she was excited to do it with just me. She chose to go to Eat'N Park and mini-golfing. And I surprised her with a trip to her favorite ice cream store afterward. Riley is such a sweet, fun-loving little girl. She danced and sang her way around the golf course, often helping me get the ball out of the hole since bending over that far after eating is not pleasant at this point in the pregnancy. She is also pretty introverted. Our car rides to and from were mostly silent with the exception of me asking her some questions. We didn't really talk about anything significant, but just enjoyed each other's company and the fun of the moment! (She'll make a great girlfriend one day)!
She did have a little bit of a sourpuss attitude toward doing her chores today! :) Oh, and I'm still trying to figure out how to get Gigi to quit emptying the cards from everyone's hooks!
Thursday, May 5, 2011
The Favorite Game
My mom just stopped and picked up the girls for what will presumably be a few hours. And I feel stress melting off my shoulders like hot wax drips from the tip of the just lit candle. I could use the time to dive into some more cleaning/baby prep work that needs done; after all, the crib is starting to overflow with unfolded laundry, winter coats that need put away, and summer clothes that have yet to be properly swapped with their winter counterparts. D day is plus or minus 11 weeks. I have decided instead to make myself a chai and indulge in some "me time." My week has been on the stressful side and writing helps me process.
I purposely don't write things about my family that are specifically negative. Not to be unauthentic, but because I wouldn't be happy if someone decided to pick up a pen and write about my nasty side, so I'll pay the same respect due to them. But nasty sides we do have. In particular, I've been dealing with specific behavior issues with one of my children that have me questioning my parenting - both present and future. You start to wonder how many days you can endure before the tumult will subside. It's times like this that I'm thankful that I have a supportive husband and friends who can offer me fresh perspective when mine is tapped out.
I've been spending some time preparing for camp. (A friend of mine and I direct a week long summer camp for 9-12th graders. I'm so glad I'm still doing it! When I lost my job in youth ministry, I felt like I was giving up a part of myself, but fortunately, this is enough to feed that part of my soul when my life phase is leading me somewhere else). We've decided to focus on the books of Genesis and John, with the afternoon Bible studies focusing on gender based case studies from Genesis. Genesis is probably my favorite book of the Bible, and I'm excited that I get to use the next month to study it a little more in depth. For me, it's like entering into a Bond of Ancient Sisterhood. I'm not sure how anyone could read from it and consider the most ancient Biblical records antiquated. The stories that unfold read like a rip off from a Jerry Springer show:
A good woman gets caught up with a snake of man and lead down the wrong path.
A socialite desperate to have a child prompts her maid to surrogate for her, but then things turn a nasty as jealousy rears its angry head.
A mother who favors one son over the other to compensate for an ill bond between father and son.
Two sisters fighting desperately for the love of one man.
A woman ignored by her husband tries to seduce the "pool" boy only to get shot down.
I love Genesis and all its soap opera-y goodness. But perhaps the reason I love it the most is because I can relate to these women! I relate to lure of temptation and sin. I relate to the woman desperate to have what others take for granted, who would manipulate her husband to have her way. And recently, I've really been thinking about Rebecca.
I love how the author of Genesis makes no excuses for the fact that Rebecca favored Jacob. He was certainly a mama's boy and obviously he needed some extra loving since all Isaac did was brag about Esau's mad hunting skills (I totally exaggerated this, but you can totally see this taking place today)! Besides, who doesn't love a man who can cook? Ultimately, she and Jacob concocted a plan for Jacob to steal Esau's inheritance by pooling the wool, or should I say goat skin, over Isaac's eyes.
This is pretty devious and I sincerely can't imagine pitting my children against one another like that, but I'm not going to be too harsh a judge. I mean her sons were the grandchildren of Abraham - the heirs of the God's covenant. Maybe she really just thought Jacob would do a better a job, but then again probably not. She was probably just like millions of other moms who for whatever reason connect better to one child over another.
One thing that has really surprised me over the years is the number of moms who will actually admit to having a favorite child. Or even more commonly an almost dislike of a particular child with whom her personality clashes. I'm not saying she doesn't love her kid - just that their relationship would possibly function better long distance. Seriously, catch a mom on an off day, and she'll tell you about how much one of her kids just digs at her skin. (What I find amusing is it's usually the child who is most like her)!
I know you're now expecting me to confess that I have a favorite or that one of my kids drives me crazy! Well, to be perfectly honest, I'm not there yet! Mostly because the Bond of Ancient Sisterhood reminds me of the dangers (sibling rivalry, marital discord, etc.). However, while there are things about all my kids' personalities that I adore, there are also things that drive me batty! (And yes, I have noticed that the things that drive me batty may be similar to my own personal pit falls). And, I certainly go through phases where the negatives stand out more than the positives. Case in point, this past week.
Here are some things I try to do to help me battle negative feelings toward one of my children:
1. Remind myself that her feelings matter! (Is it possible that we're not getting along because of something I've done or am doing)?
2. Spend solo time with her where she chooses the activity. It's easy for children to feel like they have no control. Obviously, kids need to respect parental authority, but everyone needs a little autonomy. And every successful relationship takes time to maintain. Do you feel better about your husband after a date night? This works for kids too.
3. Write down a list of 10 things you adore about her. In the heat of the moment, this can actually be a high challenge! But it will change your perspective!
Do you have any tips for battling animosity toward your kids?
I purposely don't write things about my family that are specifically negative. Not to be unauthentic, but because I wouldn't be happy if someone decided to pick up a pen and write about my nasty side, so I'll pay the same respect due to them. But nasty sides we do have. In particular, I've been dealing with specific behavior issues with one of my children that have me questioning my parenting - both present and future. You start to wonder how many days you can endure before the tumult will subside. It's times like this that I'm thankful that I have a supportive husband and friends who can offer me fresh perspective when mine is tapped out.
I've been spending some time preparing for camp. (A friend of mine and I direct a week long summer camp for 9-12th graders. I'm so glad I'm still doing it! When I lost my job in youth ministry, I felt like I was giving up a part of myself, but fortunately, this is enough to feed that part of my soul when my life phase is leading me somewhere else). We've decided to focus on the books of Genesis and John, with the afternoon Bible studies focusing on gender based case studies from Genesis. Genesis is probably my favorite book of the Bible, and I'm excited that I get to use the next month to study it a little more in depth. For me, it's like entering into a Bond of Ancient Sisterhood. I'm not sure how anyone could read from it and consider the most ancient Biblical records antiquated. The stories that unfold read like a rip off from a Jerry Springer show:
A good woman gets caught up with a snake of man and lead down the wrong path.
A socialite desperate to have a child prompts her maid to surrogate for her, but then things turn a nasty as jealousy rears its angry head.
A mother who favors one son over the other to compensate for an ill bond between father and son.
Two sisters fighting desperately for the love of one man.
A woman ignored by her husband tries to seduce the "pool" boy only to get shot down.
I love Genesis and all its soap opera-y goodness. But perhaps the reason I love it the most is because I can relate to these women! I relate to lure of temptation and sin. I relate to the woman desperate to have what others take for granted, who would manipulate her husband to have her way. And recently, I've really been thinking about Rebecca.
I love how the author of Genesis makes no excuses for the fact that Rebecca favored Jacob. He was certainly a mama's boy and obviously he needed some extra loving since all Isaac did was brag about Esau's mad hunting skills (I totally exaggerated this, but you can totally see this taking place today)! Besides, who doesn't love a man who can cook? Ultimately, she and Jacob concocted a plan for Jacob to steal Esau's inheritance by pooling the wool, or should I say goat skin, over Isaac's eyes.
This is pretty devious and I sincerely can't imagine pitting my children against one another like that, but I'm not going to be too harsh a judge. I mean her sons were the grandchildren of Abraham - the heirs of the God's covenant. Maybe she really just thought Jacob would do a better a job, but then again probably not. She was probably just like millions of other moms who for whatever reason connect better to one child over another.
One thing that has really surprised me over the years is the number of moms who will actually admit to having a favorite child. Or even more commonly an almost dislike of a particular child with whom her personality clashes. I'm not saying she doesn't love her kid - just that their relationship would possibly function better long distance. Seriously, catch a mom on an off day, and she'll tell you about how much one of her kids just digs at her skin. (What I find amusing is it's usually the child who is most like her)!
I know you're now expecting me to confess that I have a favorite or that one of my kids drives me crazy! Well, to be perfectly honest, I'm not there yet! Mostly because the Bond of Ancient Sisterhood reminds me of the dangers (sibling rivalry, marital discord, etc.). However, while there are things about all my kids' personalities that I adore, there are also things that drive me batty! (And yes, I have noticed that the things that drive me batty may be similar to my own personal pit falls). And, I certainly go through phases where the negatives stand out more than the positives. Case in point, this past week.
Here are some things I try to do to help me battle negative feelings toward one of my children:
1. Remind myself that her feelings matter! (Is it possible that we're not getting along because of something I've done or am doing)?
2. Spend solo time with her where she chooses the activity. It's easy for children to feel like they have no control. Obviously, kids need to respect parental authority, but everyone needs a little autonomy. And every successful relationship takes time to maintain. Do you feel better about your husband after a date night? This works for kids too.
3. Write down a list of 10 things you adore about her. In the heat of the moment, this can actually be a high challenge! But it will change your perspective!
Do you have any tips for battling animosity toward your kids?
Accountable Kids: Week Two
I think when dealing with a strong willed child, implementing this program may throw them for a loop if you were previously a pretty lax parent. Expect them to test your boundaries and commitment to the program as they have a high need for autonomy. They may feel like you're trying to take that away from them.
Other than that we're doing great! Two weeks down. Two full weeks of school. Two full weeks of the house not being trashed!
Here's a picture of Riley's board! This makes me smile, not only because she's doing well at the program and it's helping her feel accomplished, but because she saves her tickets! I would have done this as a kid! (I'll encourage this trait as it's a big part of the reason as to why I'm a financially responsible adult). We actually had to make her spend some of them because we ran out.
Other than that we're doing great! Two weeks down. Two full weeks of school. Two full weeks of the house not being trashed!
Here's a picture of Riley's board! This makes me smile, not only because she's doing well at the program and it's helping her feel accomplished, but because she saves her tickets! I would have done this as a kid! (I'll encourage this trait as it's a big part of the reason as to why I'm a financially responsible adult). We actually had to make her spend some of them because we ran out.
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