Accountable Kids

This past week, Richard and I started a new program with the girls called Accountable Kids (www.accountablekids.com). (Thanks Audrey)! I decided to keep a journal of our progress with it. You may find this boring, but if you have small children (or older children who struggle with handling responsibility) and feel overwhelmed by the task of managing your home, you may want to read it. [I have to admit it feels a little bit like a slap in the face that I spent $115 on this program (for 3 kids) when it's obvious an exceptional mom could accomplish this on her own, but considering my own mediocrity, I have decided it was worth every penny]!

Week #1 in review: I've had the AK program in my hands for a complete week now, and I'm loving it! This morning, I did have a teary moment. Riley, who normally allows me do everything for her, was going through her chores and brushed her hair on her own. She did a good job too! I think it mainly made me sad because one of things I most looked forward to in having little girls was fixing their hair!

Here are the Top 10 Things that I like about Accountable Kids after the first week:
1. Feeling like we have a team in our house by dividing responsibility.
2. I've been yelling less (an issue for me). Taking away the tickets usually stops bad behavior quickly.
3. A cleaner house.
4. Accountability for myself. When the kids see clearly the chores, rules and schedule displayed on the wall, they motivate me to keep my end of the deal.
5. Easing a sense of entitlement. My five year old was quickly developing an entitlement attitude. I have seen that weaken this week.
6. Greater communication with Richard. Richard and I have very different parenting styles. But having the expectations laid out in plain sight has increased our ability to parent on the same page.
7. A successful week of school! For the first time since probably August, we did an entire week of school! I'm so proud of us. (I should point out that in addition to starting AK, we also switched curriculums and started a new scheduling format concurrently).
8. Lessening of guilt. I carry around a lot of guilt about how little I accomplish throughout my days. I'm not sure it's whether it's that I've been accomplishing more or that we have divided the responsibility regarding the home, but I've felt much less guilty.
9. Feeling accomplished!
10. More free time to just spend with my girlies. :)

Since I'm starting this journal late, I'm doing the first 6 days in a lump.

Day #7 (Wednesday): Today is going well. We're observing quiet time now and since we don't have more rooms in our house than people that has been translating as DNDM time: Do Not Disturb Mom. The girls have the option of playing quietly in their bedroom or the living room, either playing with toys or coloring or looking at books. No movies. Evelyn has actually been choosing school related activities most days: reading, workbooks, and today she is doing puzzles. This excites me that she is taking some responsibility for her own education already. I have been spending quiet times in my room with at least 15 minutes reserved for napping on my left side. (I am not looking forward to 90 degree days in July - my edema is already starting to kick in gear).

This morning I got up at 8 am which is ideal for me. My days always run smoother when I get up on time. I made a schedule to follow that is shaped like a clock. It works well for the girls but also well for my spatial oriented brain. I am hoping to get a special clock made that works with the schedule so it actually has a dial. For now it looks like this:

Getting up at 8 am gives me a full two-hours to do MY MORNING CORE CHORES: personal care, breakfast, dishes, start laundry, devotional time, and I enjoy reading the news. It takes me that much time to get all that done and help the girls complete their morning core chores. I am extremely surprised that school is going so well. I wasn't even planning on putting school into our AK program until next week, but things have been going so smoothly, I decided to start on Monday. We have spent at least 1 hour and 30 minutes a day on school for the last three days. I know that doesn't sound like a lot, but it is a HUGE accomplishment for us! And it's more hours than we've logged in months! (I have to give partial credit to switching to new curriculums, but more on that in another post).

Day #5 and 6 (Monday and Tuesday): Monday was our first real day doing AK and it was without Richard. Evelyn woke up ready to challenge me, which is not uncommon for her; she is rather strong-willed. She managed to lose all her tickets - in part because she spends them hastily - but also because she lost some. A few times she replied, "I don't care!" but after she realized her next punishment would be a "Dora" long time-out (30 minutes), she got herself into gear. Overall, I'm pleased how well the program has been working with her and her behavior issues, in particular, her talking-back rather sassily.

On Tuesday, I slept in until almost 9 o'clock. We had a long Easter weekend, and I was beat. Evelyn and Gigi got up before me and when I made it out to the living room, they were watching a movie (a ticket activity). Because we're still new to the program and because that was previously acceptable behavior, I just decided to remind them that they needed to complete their morning chores before watching a movie. We paused it until the finished their morning chores.

On Tuesday evening, Gigi needed a ticket for an activity and she only had one! Gigi has tons of tickets because we still help her do her chores which are extremely basic and because she is a fairly compliant child who doesn't lose many. She even had some best behavior cards. I asked her where all her tickets went and she said, "I threw them away." And we think she really did because we haven't found them anywhere else! So while she is starting to get into the program, she doesn't grasp it fully yet!

Day #4: Easter Sunday! We took the day off.

Day #3: Saturday was our first full-day of doing the program! It went great! The girls loved it and were eager to participate. Even Gigi, who didn't quite get it on Friday, was all about it! It did not take her long at all to learn what each of the pictures represented. My guess is I'll be updating about Evelyn (who is 5, strong-willed and at times very non-compliant) and Gigi (who is 2 and actually too young for the program, but fairly advanced for her age and fairly compliant) the most. Riley is 4 and for the most part very compliant, so you probably won't hear about her as much.

I purposely decided to start the program on a day that Richard was home because I wanted him to reinforce the program. Especially for Evelyn who has been saying things to me like, "I don't want to." "That's your job." "You're mean." "You hate me." "That's not fair." etc, etc. Yes, she is tween-drama-queen already. I also wanted Richard to see that keeping this house in working order would require a team effort. I simply cannot keep up with being a teacher, ministry volunteer, mother, and wife all while being pregnant. We transformed the title of maid to Team Kendle. At the end of the day, I was sooo relieved with how the house looked! Yes! It wasn't trashed! Everyone was taking responsibility for themselves. I also loved how it took responsibility from me. Day after day, I was used to feeling so defeated about the condition of our house - like a failure. Now when we fail, we fail as a team. Instead of being seen as the b@#*% who harped on everyone all day to pick after themselves, I was being seen as just another member of the team. It felt great.

Day #2: I introduced the program to the girls. We decorated and hung up their boards and practiced the program for the rest of the day. It was new and fun and the girls enjoyed it.

Day #1: AK arrived in the mail on Thursday! I was so excited! I prepped the program and sped-read through the book. I decided to follow the book and do the steps in order so we only started Step 1, which is basically core chores, tickets, and disciplining with tickets. The girls' core chores are still pretty basic: get dressed, eat breakfast, brush teeth, and fix hair. In the morning, Riley is responsible for helping me clear the breakfast table and do dishes and Evelyn is to make their bed. In the afternoon, Evelyn and Riley are to fold and put away their laundry and after dinner, help clear the table. In the evening they all have: bath, brush teeth, pajamas, pick up clothes, and pick up toys. I even made a little chart for their ticket privileges as well as a chart for how they would lose tickets.

Innocence with a Touch of Grace

Since I don't have time to write as often as I'd like, I keep a running memo on my phone when an idea pops into my head. Just a quick note that will jog my memory of an event. The bottom two such memos right now are:

Sufficiency and Grace during Times of Defeat
and
Gigi's Non-Conformity

Two separate instances, completely unrelated triggered these ideas, but as I write on I think you'll find the two are intricately connected. The first occurred during a trip to the grocery store with all three girls. While the details are fuzzy, I just remembered feeling defeated. It was one of those days when I was keeping a mental check list of everything in my life that wasn't right.

-My organizational skills. Suck.
-Self-Discipline. What's that?
-My marriage skills. Lacking.
-My parenting skills. Mediocre.

I couldn't even get through the grocery store without my kids running around like little hell'yuns. I had this looming sense of fear that someone would judge me. Someone would recognize how insufficient I was. Someone would tell me all the things I was doing wrong. Heaven knows the list is lengthy.

But in my moment of defeat Grace spoke to me. Jesus knows how insufficient I am. And yet He chooses to love me, chooses to forgive me, chooses to extend loving guidance in my life, and continues to bless me. I'll probably write about Grace a lot throughout this blog. I can assure you there is no other job that highlights your need for it more than motherhood.

My youngest daughter, Gigi, is 2 years old. My husband's band was leading worship at a church. While the church is what I'll classify as contemporary, it was still a typical church. Everyone was really nice. People sat in their seats. Stood while the sang. And listened to the preacher preach. What made it more contemporary was the absence of an organ and presence of some hand-raising and a projector. We even had a pot luck after the service.

During the music section, Gigi moved out into the aisle. She's short, loves music, and wanted to see her daddy sing and play. She was not being disruptive, it was a Zacchaeus moment of sorts. So I let her go. But then she started dancing. I had this urge to pull her back into the seats. I knew that some people would not approve of my unruly child dancing in aisle, but thankfully, I paused and realized how ridiculous I was being. She simply wasn't old enough to realize she wasn't conforming to the status quo. She simply liked the music and wanted to dance. The only thing pulling her back into the seats would have accomplished was embarrassment.

I could have chose to teach her that life has unspoken rules. Like, dancing to music is okay unless you're visiting a Baptist church. However, I chose instead to let her innocence remain intact. And with sadness, I had this clear understanding that she would learn the lesson of conformity soon enough. Soon enough, my daughter will understand that life is a sequence of not living up to expectations, including her own.

I hope beyond hope that at that time, I can introduce her to my friend, Grace.