Innocence with a Touch of Grace

Since I don't have time to write as often as I'd like, I keep a running memo on my phone when an idea pops into my head. Just a quick note that will jog my memory of an event. The bottom two such memos right now are:

Sufficiency and Grace during Times of Defeat
and
Gigi's Non-Conformity

Two separate instances, completely unrelated triggered these ideas, but as I write on I think you'll find the two are intricately connected. The first occurred during a trip to the grocery store with all three girls. While the details are fuzzy, I just remembered feeling defeated. It was one of those days when I was keeping a mental check list of everything in my life that wasn't right.

-My organizational skills. Suck.
-Self-Discipline. What's that?
-My marriage skills. Lacking.
-My parenting skills. Mediocre.

I couldn't even get through the grocery store without my kids running around like little hell'yuns. I had this looming sense of fear that someone would judge me. Someone would recognize how insufficient I was. Someone would tell me all the things I was doing wrong. Heaven knows the list is lengthy.

But in my moment of defeat Grace spoke to me. Jesus knows how insufficient I am. And yet He chooses to love me, chooses to forgive me, chooses to extend loving guidance in my life, and continues to bless me. I'll probably write about Grace a lot throughout this blog. I can assure you there is no other job that highlights your need for it more than motherhood.

My youngest daughter, Gigi, is 2 years old. My husband's band was leading worship at a church. While the church is what I'll classify as contemporary, it was still a typical church. Everyone was really nice. People sat in their seats. Stood while the sang. And listened to the preacher preach. What made it more contemporary was the absence of an organ and presence of some hand-raising and a projector. We even had a pot luck after the service.

During the music section, Gigi moved out into the aisle. She's short, loves music, and wanted to see her daddy sing and play. She was not being disruptive, it was a Zacchaeus moment of sorts. So I let her go. But then she started dancing. I had this urge to pull her back into the seats. I knew that some people would not approve of my unruly child dancing in aisle, but thankfully, I paused and realized how ridiculous I was being. She simply wasn't old enough to realize she wasn't conforming to the status quo. She simply liked the music and wanted to dance. The only thing pulling her back into the seats would have accomplished was embarrassment.

I could have chose to teach her that life has unspoken rules. Like, dancing to music is okay unless you're visiting a Baptist church. However, I chose instead to let her innocence remain intact. And with sadness, I had this clear understanding that she would learn the lesson of conformity soon enough. Soon enough, my daughter will understand that life is a sequence of not living up to expectations, including her own.

I hope beyond hope that at that time, I can introduce her to my friend, Grace.