I Have a Garden

I have a garden. I don't refer to myself as a gardener because let's just assume that if my mothering skills are mediocre, my gardening skills are, well, I'm not a gardener. We are leading up to our 4th summer in our home that we built on part of my parents' farm. For the past 3 summers, I figured that if I was going to live on a farm, I should at least plant a garden. Basically, it goes something like this: I vow in the spring when I put my little seedlings in the ground that I'm going to keep the weeds at bay and by mid-summer, my garden is producing that widest of variety - of weeds - that you have ever seen. As fall approaches, I harvest what is left of the any good fruit and leave the weeds to feast on the rest.

This winter has been a long and hard one. My girls are all small and there is little for us to do. In the fall and spring, we take walks, ride bikes, and visit playgrounds. In the hot summer months, we play on slip'n slides and visit the pool often. But once the snow covers the ground, there are days and weeks I feel like a prisoner in my own life. To take them anywhere is a major chore and so I am left to choose between sitting at home and dwelling on my boredom or loading them up and letting my stress level elevate with every incessant comment I make, "Sit down! Don't climb on that table. We need to use our inside voices here. Don't lick the salt shaker!" The snow melted a few weeks ago, and for the first time in my life that I can remember, I was happy to see it go!

This week, we have had 3 gorgeous days of weather in the 50's and 60's. Unusual, for February in Ohio, but I figured Mother Nature owed it to us after snow being on the ground most of December. Next week, February will return. This week, has also been plagued with phones calls to schedule appointments for my 5 year old who has a toothache, but won't let a dentist fix it, a 5 hour round trip to Columbus to get the tooth looked at, and sickness on my part. Needless to say, my nifty little schedule I made, didn't go according to plan. So today was Friday, 60 degrees and sunny outside screaming in one ear and a filthy house nagging the other. And drats, I already cleaned the van out yesterday, so I couldn't use that as an excuse to be productive and outside!

So, I decided to garden, in February, in Ohio. I turned over a new plot of sod to plant my potatoes in this year and I still wasn't ready to head back inside, so I set to cleaning up all those weeds that I left there this past fall. The soft ground from the January snow melt combined with the dormant roots allowed me to pull the once stubborn, but now dead weeds from the ground almost effortlessly. Suddenly, I found myself feeling thankful for those long winter months. I'm pretty sure God is the master gardener because He uses my garden to speak to me so often. There is a time for every season : the long, cumbersome, lonely days of winter are very much needed to strip away the grip weeds have on our lives and to prepare the soil of hearts to plant new seeds of faith, hope, and love. Next week, when winter returns to Ohio, I'm going to try focus on that...

Introduction to Confessions

I thought it would be fun to do a series posts called "Confessions." When I told my fellow-mom-friend about this idea her prompt response was "I could never do that!" It's true. In some ways it makes sense. As mom's we don't get performance evaluations from our bosses or raises for consistently getting our work done on time. If we're blessed with a thoughtful husband in that area, we may get an "ata-girl." So how do we make sure we're "good" moms with up to par performances? We compare ourselves to other moms. From our most ancient sisters (think Sarah and Hagar, Rachel and Leah) to now, we get ourselves into a whole heck of a lot of messes from it.

It can be really damaging to the self-esteem when everyone always looks better than us. And, everyone always does look better because everyone puts their best foot forward in public. Because, no one wants other moms to judge them as a mediocre, or worse yet, a bad mom! Hopefully, you have a friend who allows you to be mediocre in her presence without judging you for it. Hopefully, somewhere in your life, there is that sort of intimacy.

So confessions. I thought it would fun to post some things I do that most moms would never admit to a public audience! I have to lay some ground rules because I'm making myself pretty vulnerable here to mommy hatred.

1. No "hate" comments. If you need to judge to make yourself feel better, keep it to yourself.

2. Re-read rule one, over and over and over. :)

So, drum roll, my first confession:

I gotta preface this a little. My youngest, Gigi, is about 28 months old. Gigi is a morning person. And, she is ALMOST potty trained. Well, once a child is ALMOST potty trained there is no un-training even in the most inconvenient of circumstances.

I am pregnant. Seventeen weeks pregnant, and although, my energy has been increasing over the last few weeks, I have no desire to bounce out of bed in the morning. I usually lay there for 30 minutes after I wake up.

This morning Gigi got up, which woke me up. Then I hear her, "Moooooom. Come wipe me!"

Evelyn, my five year old, had crawled into to bed with me at night (like usual), so I turned to her and said, "I'll give you a dollar to go wipe her." Evelyn is usually a sleepy head and is as slow moving as me in the mornings, but she is at that age where she likes money for the sake of having money. So she got up to do it!

Then I hear, "Moooooom. She pooped."

"$3!" That sealed the deal.

To Schedule or Not to Schedule

I have never been a scheduler. My husband plays in an independent Christian rock band and I did youth ministry for several years during my own children's youngest ages. It just never made much sense to schedule naps, bedtimes, feedings, etc. when we were always on on the go, sometimes at a youth event or concert til the wee-hours of the morning. I wanted my kids to be flexible because it fit our life. Well, now (paid) youth ministry is behind me. The girls and I seldom go to concerts because now they're several hours away and it's just easier for me to stay than travel with 3 young children. My 5 and almost 4 year old girls are going to start more formal homeschooling. All of my girls have outgrown naps. And, I have a 4th baby on the way.

Recently, my free lifestyle has felt more like a prison, eveloped in feelings of frustration, defeat, and exhaustion (in part due to the pregnancy). Things just were not getting done. The house was (still partially is) a mess. The girls weren't getting schooled. And as I type this well into the month of February, our Christmas tree is sitting in the corner, taunting me (it is undecorated). Let's not even mention self-care: Bible study, prayer time, exercising ... have all gone by the wayside.

So, I will schedule. I've tried schedules before, I really have. I'm not good at them. They don't fit my personality. I've tried simple to-do lists, complex grids, rotating chores. When I don't have a schedule, I tend to focus more on what I got done in a day. When I do have a schedule, it's hard for me to feel satisfaction when I see all the things I didn't get to. (I know, I know, save the lecture). So my goal is to somehow create a schedule the is A) realistic and B) fits everything in I need to accomplish. Hold the laughter. C'este La Vie.

Are you a scheduler? What kind do you use?

Decisions? Grit, Spit, and Duct Tape

I'm not good at making decisions. Hard decisions in particular, I put off for as long as possible hoping the decision will be made by circumstance rather than my own reasoning capabilities. I think I have a hard time balancing reason with my heart and what is potentially God's call.

That's all pretty deep considering I started this post out that way in order to say, I've been having a tough time deciding what to write about for my first post! The decision came to me while I overheard a line from a movie my children were watching, Madagascar 2. I've seen the movie enough to know exactly what was happening: the plane the penguins had made crashed and Alex the Lion, being his typical highly anxious self, exclaimed, "How are you going to fix it?" I love the penguin's response, "Grit, spit, and a whole lot of duct tape."

The penguin had a git-er-done mentality and was offering a far from perfect solution, none-the-less, it was one solution more than any else could concoct. I think in a lot of ways motherhood is like that. We're constantly expected to have solutions and yet sometimes the solution that works for us is far from what others may consider perfect. It starts with breastfeeding, sleeping arrangements, and health decisions, then carries over to schooling options, extracurriculars, and disciplining. And while my oldest is only five, I can't wait for the advice I'll get on dating, cell phones, internest usage, and so on!

I think that one area where I would not consider myself mediocre mother is in the area of concern for my children's future. I want them to be self-confident, productive adults who aren't afraid to challenge this world toward change, but I also want to protect them from snares that can entangle them. But more than any of that, I want them to know they are loved, loved by God, loved by me and their father. I am convinced that communicating that love will at times require some seemingly unconventional, imperfect solutions to life's toughest parenting problems. At times, it may even require grit, spit, and duct tape.