My mom just stopped and picked up the girls for what will presumably be a few hours. And I feel stress melting off my shoulders like hot wax drips from the tip of the just lit candle. I could use the time to dive into some more cleaning/baby prep work that needs done; after all, the crib is starting to overflow with unfolded laundry, winter coats that need put away, and summer clothes that have yet to be properly swapped with their winter counterparts. D day is plus or minus 11 weeks. I have decided instead to make myself a chai and indulge in some "me time." My week has been on the stressful side and writing helps me process.
I purposely don't write things about my family that are specifically negative. Not to be unauthentic, but because I wouldn't be happy if someone decided to pick up a pen and write about my nasty side, so I'll pay the same respect due to them. But nasty sides we do have. In particular, I've been dealing with specific behavior issues with one of my children that have me questioning my parenting - both present and future. You start to wonder how many days you can endure before the tumult will subside. It's times like this that I'm thankful that I have a supportive husband and friends who can offer me fresh perspective when mine is tapped out.
I've been spending some time preparing for camp. (A friend of mine and I direct a week long summer camp for 9-12th graders. I'm so glad I'm still doing it! When I lost my job in youth ministry, I felt like I was giving up a part of myself, but fortunately, this is enough to feed that part of my soul when my life phase is leading me somewhere else). We've decided to focus on the books of Genesis and John, with the afternoon Bible studies focusing on gender based case studies from Genesis. Genesis is probably my favorite book of the Bible, and I'm excited that I get to use the next month to study it a little more in depth. For me, it's like entering into a Bond of Ancient Sisterhood. I'm not sure how anyone could read from it and consider the most ancient Biblical records antiquated. The stories that unfold read like a rip off from a Jerry Springer show:
A good woman gets caught up with a snake of man and lead down the wrong path.
A socialite desperate to have a child prompts her maid to surrogate for her, but then things turn a nasty as jealousy rears its angry head.
A mother who favors one son over the other to compensate for an ill bond between father and son.
Two sisters fighting desperately for the love of one man.
A woman ignored by her husband tries to seduce the "pool" boy only to get shot down.
I love Genesis and all its soap opera-y goodness. But perhaps the reason I love it the most is because I can relate to these women! I relate to lure of temptation and sin. I relate to the woman desperate to have what others take for granted, who would manipulate her husband to have her way. And recently, I've really been thinking about Rebecca.
I love how the author of Genesis makes no excuses for the fact that Rebecca favored Jacob. He was certainly a mama's boy and obviously he needed some extra loving since all Isaac did was brag about Esau's mad hunting skills (I totally exaggerated this, but you can totally see this taking place today)! Besides, who doesn't love a man who can cook? Ultimately, she and Jacob concocted a plan for Jacob to steal Esau's inheritance by pooling the wool, or should I say goat skin, over Isaac's eyes.
This is pretty devious and I sincerely can't imagine pitting my children against one another like that, but I'm not going to be too harsh a judge. I mean her sons were the grandchildren of Abraham - the heirs of the God's covenant. Maybe she really just thought Jacob would do a better a job, but then again probably not. She was probably just like millions of other moms who for whatever reason connect better to one child over another.
One thing that has really surprised me over the years is the number of moms who will actually admit to having a favorite child. Or even more commonly an almost dislike of a particular child with whom her personality clashes. I'm not saying she doesn't love her kid - just that their relationship would possibly function better long distance. Seriously, catch a mom on an off day, and she'll tell you about how much one of her kids just digs at her skin. (What I find amusing is it's usually the child who is most like her)!
I know you're now expecting me to confess that I have a favorite or that one of my kids drives me crazy! Well, to be perfectly honest, I'm not there yet! Mostly because the Bond of Ancient Sisterhood reminds me of the dangers (sibling rivalry, marital discord, etc.). However, while there are things about all my kids' personalities that I adore, there are also things that drive me batty! (And yes, I have noticed that the things that drive me batty may be similar to my own personal pit falls). And, I certainly go through phases where the negatives stand out more than the positives. Case in point, this past week.
Here are some things I try to do to help me battle negative feelings toward one of my children:
1. Remind myself that her feelings matter! (Is it possible that we're not getting along because of something I've done or am doing)?
2. Spend solo time with her where she chooses the activity. It's easy for children to feel like they have no control. Obviously, kids need to respect parental authority, but everyone needs a little autonomy. And every successful relationship takes time to maintain. Do you feel better about your husband after a date night? This works for kids too.
3. Write down a list of 10 things you adore about her. In the heat of the moment, this can actually be a high challenge! But it will change your perspective!
Do you have any tips for battling animosity toward your kids?
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Accountable Kids: Week Two
I think when dealing with a strong willed child, implementing this program may throw them for a loop if you were previously a pretty lax parent. Expect them to test your boundaries and commitment to the program as they have a high need for autonomy. They may feel like you're trying to take that away from them.
Other than that we're doing great! Two weeks down. Two full weeks of school. Two full weeks of the house not being trashed!
Here's a picture of Riley's board! This makes me smile, not only because she's doing well at the program and it's helping her feel accomplished, but because she saves her tickets! I would have done this as a kid! (I'll encourage this trait as it's a big part of the reason as to why I'm a financially responsible adult). We actually had to make her spend some of them because we ran out.
Other than that we're doing great! Two weeks down. Two full weeks of school. Two full weeks of the house not being trashed!
Here's a picture of Riley's board! This makes me smile, not only because she's doing well at the program and it's helping her feel accomplished, but because she saves her tickets! I would have done this as a kid! (I'll encourage this trait as it's a big part of the reason as to why I'm a financially responsible adult). We actually had to make her spend some of them because we ran out.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Accountable Kids
This past week, Richard and I started a new program with the girls called Accountable Kids (www.accountablekids.com). (Thanks Audrey)! I decided to keep a journal of our progress with it. You may find this boring, but if you have small children (or older children who struggle with handling responsibility) and feel overwhelmed by the task of managing your home, you may want to read it. [I have to admit it feels a little bit like a slap in the face that I spent $115 on this program (for 3 kids) when it's obvious an exceptional mom could accomplish this on her own, but considering my own mediocrity, I have decided it was worth every penny]!
Week #1 in review: I've had the AK program in my hands for a complete week now, and I'm loving it! This morning, I did have a teary moment. Riley, who normally allows me do everything for her, was going through her chores and brushed her hair on her own. She did a good job too! I think it mainly made me sad because one of things I most looked forward to in having little girls was fixing their hair!
Here are the Top 10 Things that I like about Accountable Kids after the first week:
1. Feeling like we have a team in our house by dividing responsibility.
2. I've been yelling less (an issue for me). Taking away the tickets usually stops bad behavior quickly.
3. A cleaner house.
4. Accountability for myself. When the kids see clearly the chores, rules and schedule displayed on the wall, they motivate me to keep my end of the deal.
5. Easing a sense of entitlement. My five year old was quickly developing an entitlement attitude. I have seen that weaken this week.
6. Greater communication with Richard. Richard and I have very different parenting styles. But having the expectations laid out in plain sight has increased our ability to parent on the same page.
7. A successful week of school! For the first time since probably August, we did an entire week of school! I'm so proud of us. (I should point out that in addition to starting AK, we also switched curriculums and started a new scheduling format concurrently).
8. Lessening of guilt. I carry around a lot of guilt about how little I accomplish throughout my days. I'm not sure it's whether it's that I've been accomplishing more or that we have divided the responsibility regarding the home, but I've felt much less guilty.
9. Feeling accomplished!
10. More free time to just spend with my girlies. :)
Since I'm starting this journal late, I'm doing the first 6 days in a lump.
Day #7 (Wednesday): Today is going well. We're observing quiet time now and since we don't have more rooms in our house than people that has been translating as DNDM time: Do Not Disturb Mom. The girls have the option of playing quietly in their bedroom or the living room, either playing with toys or coloring or looking at books. No movies. Evelyn has actually been choosing school related activities most days: reading, workbooks, and today she is doing puzzles. This excites me that she is taking some responsibility for her own education already. I have been spending quiet times in my room with at least 15 minutes reserved for napping on my left side. (I am not looking forward to 90 degree days in July - my edema is already starting to kick in gear).
This morning I got up at 8 am which is ideal for me. My days always run smoother when I get up on time. I made a schedule to follow that is shaped like a clock. It works well for the girls but also well for my spatial oriented brain. I am hoping to get a special clock made that works with the schedule so it actually has a dial. For now it looks like this:
Day #5 and 6 (Monday and Tuesday): Monday was our first real day doing AK and it was without Richard. Evelyn woke up ready to challenge me, which is not uncommon for her; she is rather strong-willed. She managed to lose all her tickets - in part because she spends them hastily - but also because she lost some. A few times she replied, "I don't care!" but after she realized her next punishment would be a "Dora" long time-out (30 minutes), she got herself into gear. Overall, I'm pleased how well the program has been working with her and her behavior issues, in particular, her talking-back rather sassily.
On Tuesday, I slept in until almost 9 o'clock. We had a long Easter weekend, and I was beat. Evelyn and Gigi got up before me and when I made it out to the living room, they were watching a movie (a ticket activity). Because we're still new to the program and because that was previously acceptable behavior, I just decided to remind them that they needed to complete their morning chores before watching a movie. We paused it until the finished their morning chores.
On Tuesday evening, Gigi needed a ticket for an activity and she only had one! Gigi has tons of tickets because we still help her do her chores which are extremely basic and because she is a fairly compliant child who doesn't lose many. She even had some best behavior cards. I asked her where all her tickets went and she said, "I threw them away." And we think she really did because we haven't found them anywhere else! So while she is starting to get into the program, she doesn't grasp it fully yet!
Day #4: Easter Sunday! We took the day off.
Day #3: Saturday was our first full-day of doing the program! It went great! The girls loved it and were eager to participate. Even Gigi, who didn't quite get it on Friday, was all about it! It did not take her long at all to learn what each of the pictures represented. My guess is I'll be updating about Evelyn (who is 5, strong-willed and at times very non-compliant) and Gigi (who is 2 and actually too young for the program, but fairly advanced for her age and fairly compliant) the most. Riley is 4 and for the most part very compliant, so you probably won't hear about her as much.
I purposely decided to start the program on a day that Richard was home because I wanted him to reinforce the program. Especially for Evelyn who has been saying things to me like, "I don't want to." "That's your job." "You're mean." "You hate me." "That's not fair." etc, etc. Yes, she is tween-drama-queen already. I also wanted Richard to see that keeping this house in working order would require a team effort. I simply cannot keep up with being a teacher, ministry volunteer, mother, and wife all while being pregnant. We transformed the title of maid to Team Kendle. At the end of the day, I was sooo relieved with how the house looked! Yes! It wasn't trashed! Everyone was taking responsibility for themselves. I also loved how it took responsibility from me. Day after day, I was used to feeling so defeated about the condition of our house - like a failure. Now when we fail, we fail as a team. Instead of being seen as the b@#*% who harped on everyone all day to pick after themselves, I was being seen as just another member of the team. It felt great.
Day #2: I introduced the program to the girls. We decorated and hung up their boards and practiced the program for the rest of the day. It was new and fun and the girls enjoyed it.
Day #1: AK arrived in the mail on Thursday! I was so excited! I prepped the program and sped-read through the book. I decided to follow the book and do the steps in order so we only started Step 1, which is basically core chores, tickets, and disciplining with tickets. The girls' core chores are still pretty basic: get dressed, eat breakfast, brush teeth, and fix hair. In the morning, Riley is responsible for helping me clear the breakfast table and do dishes and Evelyn is to make their bed. In the afternoon, Evelyn and Riley are to fold and put away their laundry and after dinner, help clear the table. In the evening they all have: bath, brush teeth, pajamas, pick up clothes, and pick up toys. I even made a little chart for their ticket privileges as well as a chart for how they would lose tickets.
Week #1 in review: I've had the AK program in my hands for a complete week now, and I'm loving it! This morning, I did have a teary moment. Riley, who normally allows me do everything for her, was going through her chores and brushed her hair on her own. She did a good job too! I think it mainly made me sad because one of things I most looked forward to in having little girls was fixing their hair!
Here are the Top 10 Things that I like about Accountable Kids after the first week:
1. Feeling like we have a team in our house by dividing responsibility.
2. I've been yelling less (an issue for me). Taking away the tickets usually stops bad behavior quickly.
3. A cleaner house.
4. Accountability for myself. When the kids see clearly the chores, rules and schedule displayed on the wall, they motivate me to keep my end of the deal.
5. Easing a sense of entitlement. My five year old was quickly developing an entitlement attitude. I have seen that weaken this week.
6. Greater communication with Richard. Richard and I have very different parenting styles. But having the expectations laid out in plain sight has increased our ability to parent on the same page.
7. A successful week of school! For the first time since probably August, we did an entire week of school! I'm so proud of us. (I should point out that in addition to starting AK, we also switched curriculums and started a new scheduling format concurrently).
8. Lessening of guilt. I carry around a lot of guilt about how little I accomplish throughout my days. I'm not sure it's whether it's that I've been accomplishing more or that we have divided the responsibility regarding the home, but I've felt much less guilty.
9. Feeling accomplished!
10. More free time to just spend with my girlies. :)
Since I'm starting this journal late, I'm doing the first 6 days in a lump.
Day #7 (Wednesday): Today is going well. We're observing quiet time now and since we don't have more rooms in our house than people that has been translating as DNDM time: Do Not Disturb Mom. The girls have the option of playing quietly in their bedroom or the living room, either playing with toys or coloring or looking at books. No movies. Evelyn has actually been choosing school related activities most days: reading, workbooks, and today she is doing puzzles. This excites me that she is taking some responsibility for her own education already. I have been spending quiet times in my room with at least 15 minutes reserved for napping on my left side. (I am not looking forward to 90 degree days in July - my edema is already starting to kick in gear).
This morning I got up at 8 am which is ideal for me. My days always run smoother when I get up on time. I made a schedule to follow that is shaped like a clock. It works well for the girls but also well for my spatial oriented brain. I am hoping to get a special clock made that works with the schedule so it actually has a dial. For now it looks like this:
Day #5 and 6 (Monday and Tuesday): Monday was our first real day doing AK and it was without Richard. Evelyn woke up ready to challenge me, which is not uncommon for her; she is rather strong-willed. She managed to lose all her tickets - in part because she spends them hastily - but also because she lost some. A few times she replied, "I don't care!" but after she realized her next punishment would be a "Dora" long time-out (30 minutes), she got herself into gear. Overall, I'm pleased how well the program has been working with her and her behavior issues, in particular, her talking-back rather sassily.
On Tuesday, I slept in until almost 9 o'clock. We had a long Easter weekend, and I was beat. Evelyn and Gigi got up before me and when I made it out to the living room, they were watching a movie (a ticket activity). Because we're still new to the program and because that was previously acceptable behavior, I just decided to remind them that they needed to complete their morning chores before watching a movie. We paused it until the finished their morning chores.
On Tuesday evening, Gigi needed a ticket for an activity and she only had one! Gigi has tons of tickets because we still help her do her chores which are extremely basic and because she is a fairly compliant child who doesn't lose many. She even had some best behavior cards. I asked her where all her tickets went and she said, "I threw them away." And we think she really did because we haven't found them anywhere else! So while she is starting to get into the program, she doesn't grasp it fully yet!
Day #4: Easter Sunday! We took the day off.
Day #3: Saturday was our first full-day of doing the program! It went great! The girls loved it and were eager to participate. Even Gigi, who didn't quite get it on Friday, was all about it! It did not take her long at all to learn what each of the pictures represented. My guess is I'll be updating about Evelyn (who is 5, strong-willed and at times very non-compliant) and Gigi (who is 2 and actually too young for the program, but fairly advanced for her age and fairly compliant) the most. Riley is 4 and for the most part very compliant, so you probably won't hear about her as much.
I purposely decided to start the program on a day that Richard was home because I wanted him to reinforce the program. Especially for Evelyn who has been saying things to me like, "I don't want to." "That's your job." "You're mean." "You hate me." "That's not fair." etc, etc. Yes, she is tween-drama-queen already. I also wanted Richard to see that keeping this house in working order would require a team effort. I simply cannot keep up with being a teacher, ministry volunteer, mother, and wife all while being pregnant. We transformed the title of maid to Team Kendle. At the end of the day, I was sooo relieved with how the house looked! Yes! It wasn't trashed! Everyone was taking responsibility for themselves. I also loved how it took responsibility from me. Day after day, I was used to feeling so defeated about the condition of our house - like a failure. Now when we fail, we fail as a team. Instead of being seen as the b@#*% who harped on everyone all day to pick after themselves, I was being seen as just another member of the team. It felt great.
Day #2: I introduced the program to the girls. We decorated and hung up their boards and practiced the program for the rest of the day. It was new and fun and the girls enjoyed it.
Day #1: AK arrived in the mail on Thursday! I was so excited! I prepped the program and sped-read through the book. I decided to follow the book and do the steps in order so we only started Step 1, which is basically core chores, tickets, and disciplining with tickets. The girls' core chores are still pretty basic: get dressed, eat breakfast, brush teeth, and fix hair. In the morning, Riley is responsible for helping me clear the breakfast table and do dishes and Evelyn is to make their bed. In the afternoon, Evelyn and Riley are to fold and put away their laundry and after dinner, help clear the table. In the evening they all have: bath, brush teeth, pajamas, pick up clothes, and pick up toys. I even made a little chart for their ticket privileges as well as a chart for how they would lose tickets.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Innocence with a Touch of Grace
Since I don't have time to write as often as I'd like, I keep a running memo on my phone when an idea pops into my head. Just a quick note that will jog my memory of an event. The bottom two such memos right now are:
Sufficiency and Grace during Times of Defeat
and
Gigi's Non-Conformity
Two separate instances, completely unrelated triggered these ideas, but as I write on I think you'll find the two are intricately connected. The first occurred during a trip to the grocery store with all three girls. While the details are fuzzy, I just remembered feeling defeated. It was one of those days when I was keeping a mental check list of everything in my life that wasn't right.
-My organizational skills. Suck.
-Self-Discipline. What's that?
-My marriage skills. Lacking.
-My parenting skills. Mediocre.
I couldn't even get through the grocery store without my kids running around like little hell'yuns. I had this looming sense of fear that someone would judge me. Someone would recognize how insufficient I was. Someone would tell me all the things I was doing wrong. Heaven knows the list is lengthy.
But in my moment of defeat Grace spoke to me. Jesus knows how insufficient I am. And yet He chooses to love me, chooses to forgive me, chooses to extend loving guidance in my life, and continues to bless me. I'll probably write about Grace a lot throughout this blog. I can assure you there is no other job that highlights your need for it more than motherhood.
My youngest daughter, Gigi, is 2 years old. My husband's band was leading worship at a church. While the church is what I'll classify as contemporary, it was still a typical church. Everyone was really nice. People sat in their seats. Stood while the sang. And listened to the preacher preach. What made it more contemporary was the absence of an organ and presence of some hand-raising and a projector. We even had a pot luck after the service.
During the music section, Gigi moved out into the aisle. She's short, loves music, and wanted to see her daddy sing and play. She was not being disruptive, it was a Zacchaeus moment of sorts. So I let her go. But then she started dancing. I had this urge to pull her back into the seats. I knew that some people would not approve of my unruly child dancing in aisle, but thankfully, I paused and realized how ridiculous I was being. She simply wasn't old enough to realize she wasn't conforming to the status quo. She simply liked the music and wanted to dance. The only thing pulling her back into the seats would have accomplished was embarrassment.
I could have chose to teach her that life has unspoken rules. Like, dancing to music is okay unless you're visiting a Baptist church. However, I chose instead to let her innocence remain intact. And with sadness, I had this clear understanding that she would learn the lesson of conformity soon enough. Soon enough, my daughter will understand that life is a sequence of not living up to expectations, including her own.
I hope beyond hope that at that time, I can introduce her to my friend, Grace.
Sufficiency and Grace during Times of Defeat
and
Gigi's Non-Conformity
Two separate instances, completely unrelated triggered these ideas, but as I write on I think you'll find the two are intricately connected. The first occurred during a trip to the grocery store with all three girls. While the details are fuzzy, I just remembered feeling defeated. It was one of those days when I was keeping a mental check list of everything in my life that wasn't right.
-My organizational skills. Suck.
-Self-Discipline. What's that?
-My marriage skills. Lacking.
-My parenting skills. Mediocre.
I couldn't even get through the grocery store without my kids running around like little hell'yuns. I had this looming sense of fear that someone would judge me. Someone would recognize how insufficient I was. Someone would tell me all the things I was doing wrong. Heaven knows the list is lengthy.
But in my moment of defeat Grace spoke to me. Jesus knows how insufficient I am. And yet He chooses to love me, chooses to forgive me, chooses to extend loving guidance in my life, and continues to bless me. I'll probably write about Grace a lot throughout this blog. I can assure you there is no other job that highlights your need for it more than motherhood.
My youngest daughter, Gigi, is 2 years old. My husband's band was leading worship at a church. While the church is what I'll classify as contemporary, it was still a typical church. Everyone was really nice. People sat in their seats. Stood while the sang. And listened to the preacher preach. What made it more contemporary was the absence of an organ and presence of some hand-raising and a projector. We even had a pot luck after the service.
During the music section, Gigi moved out into the aisle. She's short, loves music, and wanted to see her daddy sing and play. She was not being disruptive, it was a Zacchaeus moment of sorts. So I let her go. But then she started dancing. I had this urge to pull her back into the seats. I knew that some people would not approve of my unruly child dancing in aisle, but thankfully, I paused and realized how ridiculous I was being. She simply wasn't old enough to realize she wasn't conforming to the status quo. She simply liked the music and wanted to dance. The only thing pulling her back into the seats would have accomplished was embarrassment.
I could have chose to teach her that life has unspoken rules. Like, dancing to music is okay unless you're visiting a Baptist church. However, I chose instead to let her innocence remain intact. And with sadness, I had this clear understanding that she would learn the lesson of conformity soon enough. Soon enough, my daughter will understand that life is a sequence of not living up to expectations, including her own.
I hope beyond hope that at that time, I can introduce her to my friend, Grace.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Mediocre Vacation and Review of Great Wolf Lodge
Vacations with kids are never really vacations.
Last week, Richard took vacation. Not just a few days either - he took the whole week off! We were really surprised in September, on Richard's five year anniversary with his employer, to learn he moved up to three weeks of vacation! (We thought he had to put in 8 years). In five years, Richard has only taken one whole week off work and that was to direct a church camp with me several years ago. Because of his commitments to his band, we usually try to plan our vacations over long weekends, so we only use a day or two of vacation, reserving the rest for personal days and weekend trips with the band. I write this nonchalantly, but in reality I get really peeved about it! So, when he moved up to three weeks, I insisted that one WHOLE week would be reserved for our family. He didn't protest; who doesn't want to a whole week off work?
So, in January, we planned for him to take the week of his spring break off - from school, from work, from the band! I was dreaming of FREEDOM! Freedom from doing "it all." Freedom from putting off work around the house that has needed done for months. Freedom from feeling completely overwhelmed. Nine days of glory!
Well, nine days was quickly shortened to five as we realized we had a worship service to work on the weekend before and the band had a gig the weekend after. Sigh. I could deal with this as we would still have two full days to get things done at home before spending the next three at Great Wolf Lodge in Cincinnati with my BFF from college and her family.
Then it happened, on Sunday, the second day of our vacation, Evelyn got sick. Monday, Riley and Gigi got it. And Tuesday, on the fourth day of our glorious break, I took ill. I cried, and got angry, and cried some more, and got angry. THIS WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPENING! We work so hard and we DESERVE a break! I could break into some lecture about how that is an entitlement attitude and in reality we're entitled to nothing, but instead receive everything we have through the grace and mercy of Jesus Christ, but ... I'm not. It's truth, and I know it. But I don't think that is the lesson Jesus was trying to teach me. I fully enjoyed my pity party.
I told my friend about our illness and she and her husband agreed to risk it as we were all looking forward to this vacation. So I got up Wednesday morning, feeling sicker than a dog, finished packing our bags, loaded our sick children in the van, and we left. We were about 45 minutes into our trip when Riley puked everywhere. Two hours in our mini-DVD player over-heated and made our whole van smell like burnt semi-breaks. At that point, I was ready to turn around. I really felt the trip wasn't meant to be and was destined to be a disaster. I was venting my frustrations to Richard, when I realized the lesson involved. He shared how much he enjoyed his first two days of vacation. Say what?
He was pretty much my hero, but I never would have guessed he enjoyed it! He did all the laundry. Cleaned up endless rounds of vomit. Bathed Gigi at least 5 times. Washed a good 10 rounds of pukey towels and clothes. Slept with Gigi both nights while she puked on both him and herself. Made several trips to the store. And cleaned a lot of the house. He also watched a lot of kiddy movies with one of the girls curled on his lap. Not anyone's dream vacation by any stretch of the imagination. He said, "It felt good being there when you (collective) needed me. I don't always feel like I'm there for you." Okay, that was not an exact quote because it was five days ago and I was sick, but you get the point. Sigh. And I felt ~LOVED~. Really, really loved.
I wish I could say we all got better and our vacation was perfect, but it wasn't. Riley, Gigi, and I were sick for most of it. There were signs everywhere about how you weren't supposed to go to the water park if you were sick, but we paid good money for this trip, and so we were swimming! I wasn't supposed to do - anything really - according to the signs because I was pregnant. But I did. We also had nine people in our 8 person capacity room. I felt like such a rebel! Mawhaha. I spent a lot of time sleeping and in the bathroom when I would have rather have been visiting and hanging with girls in the pools.
I could write more - like about how cute Riley and Gigi were going on the slides, or how much Evelyn loved playing with my friend's little boy and is going to be such an amazing big sister (again), or about having to use Lamaze techniques to keep from going diarrhea in my pants while sitting in Columbus traffic on the way home - but I'll end it with a review of Great Wolf Lodge.
Top Five's:
1. Ease. Everything was right there. We could go back to our rooms for naps and breaks. So nice to not have to load the kids up in the car to go somewhere.
2. Kid friendliness. Perfect for kids as soon as they're walking! Had tons of options for all height levels.
3. Friendliness of staff. I did not run into a single staff person was not pleasant.
4. The room. Great size. Comfortable beds. Non-stuffy air. Fridge and microwave. Every room had a patio or balcony.
5. Extras. If you wanted to spend the money, there was a lot more to do than just the water park. Arcade. Spa. Story time. And more!
Tips:
1. Plan your meals! The food there was VERY expensive. I saw a lady carrying in a crock-pot with food. :)
2. If your kids are still nappers, the "free" day after check-out isn't really usable. Plan on an hour or two that last day.
3. Two nights was enough, but three would have probably been ideal.
4. This didn't work since I was sick, but the water park is open until 10. So half of the adults can sneak out in the evening!
5. Go during the week during the school year! It wasn't busy at all except for Friday!
Last week, Richard took vacation. Not just a few days either - he took the whole week off! We were really surprised in September, on Richard's five year anniversary with his employer, to learn he moved up to three weeks of vacation! (We thought he had to put in 8 years). In five years, Richard has only taken one whole week off work and that was to direct a church camp with me several years ago. Because of his commitments to his band, we usually try to plan our vacations over long weekends, so we only use a day or two of vacation, reserving the rest for personal days and weekend trips with the band. I write this nonchalantly, but in reality I get really peeved about it! So, when he moved up to three weeks, I insisted that one WHOLE week would be reserved for our family. He didn't protest; who doesn't want to a whole week off work?
So, in January, we planned for him to take the week of his spring break off - from school, from work, from the band! I was dreaming of FREEDOM! Freedom from doing "it all." Freedom from putting off work around the house that has needed done for months. Freedom from feeling completely overwhelmed. Nine days of glory!
Well, nine days was quickly shortened to five as we realized we had a worship service to work on the weekend before and the band had a gig the weekend after. Sigh. I could deal with this as we would still have two full days to get things done at home before spending the next three at Great Wolf Lodge in Cincinnati with my BFF from college and her family.
Then it happened, on Sunday, the second day of our vacation, Evelyn got sick. Monday, Riley and Gigi got it. And Tuesday, on the fourth day of our glorious break, I took ill. I cried, and got angry, and cried some more, and got angry. THIS WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPENING! We work so hard and we DESERVE a break! I could break into some lecture about how that is an entitlement attitude and in reality we're entitled to nothing, but instead receive everything we have through the grace and mercy of Jesus Christ, but ... I'm not. It's truth, and I know it. But I don't think that is the lesson Jesus was trying to teach me. I fully enjoyed my pity party.
I told my friend about our illness and she and her husband agreed to risk it as we were all looking forward to this vacation. So I got up Wednesday morning, feeling sicker than a dog, finished packing our bags, loaded our sick children in the van, and we left. We were about 45 minutes into our trip when Riley puked everywhere. Two hours in our mini-DVD player over-heated and made our whole van smell like burnt semi-breaks. At that point, I was ready to turn around. I really felt the trip wasn't meant to be and was destined to be a disaster. I was venting my frustrations to Richard, when I realized the lesson involved. He shared how much he enjoyed his first two days of vacation. Say what?
He was pretty much my hero, but I never would have guessed he enjoyed it! He did all the laundry. Cleaned up endless rounds of vomit. Bathed Gigi at least 5 times. Washed a good 10 rounds of pukey towels and clothes. Slept with Gigi both nights while she puked on both him and herself. Made several trips to the store. And cleaned a lot of the house. He also watched a lot of kiddy movies with one of the girls curled on his lap. Not anyone's dream vacation by any stretch of the imagination. He said, "It felt good being there when you (collective) needed me. I don't always feel like I'm there for you." Okay, that was not an exact quote because it was five days ago and I was sick, but you get the point. Sigh. And I felt ~LOVED~. Really, really loved.
I wish I could say we all got better and our vacation was perfect, but it wasn't. Riley, Gigi, and I were sick for most of it. There were signs everywhere about how you weren't supposed to go to the water park if you were sick, but we paid good money for this trip, and so we were swimming! I wasn't supposed to do - anything really - according to the signs because I was pregnant. But I did. We also had nine people in our 8 person capacity room. I felt like such a rebel! Mawhaha. I spent a lot of time sleeping and in the bathroom when I would have rather have been visiting and hanging with girls in the pools.
I could write more - like about how cute Riley and Gigi were going on the slides, or how much Evelyn loved playing with my friend's little boy and is going to be such an amazing big sister (again), or about having to use Lamaze techniques to keep from going diarrhea in my pants while sitting in Columbus traffic on the way home - but I'll end it with a review of Great Wolf Lodge.
Top Five's:
1. Ease. Everything was right there. We could go back to our rooms for naps and breaks. So nice to not have to load the kids up in the car to go somewhere.
2. Kid friendliness. Perfect for kids as soon as they're walking! Had tons of options for all height levels.
3. Friendliness of staff. I did not run into a single staff person was not pleasant.
4. The room. Great size. Comfortable beds. Non-stuffy air. Fridge and microwave. Every room had a patio or balcony.
5. Extras. If you wanted to spend the money, there was a lot more to do than just the water park. Arcade. Spa. Story time. And more!
Tips:
1. Plan your meals! The food there was VERY expensive. I saw a lady carrying in a crock-pot with food. :)
2. If your kids are still nappers, the "free" day after check-out isn't really usable. Plan on an hour or two that last day.
3. Two nights was enough, but three would have probably been ideal.
4. This didn't work since I was sick, but the water park is open until 10. So half of the adults can sneak out in the evening!
5. Go during the week during the school year! It wasn't busy at all except for Friday!
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Small, Meet Tall, Part III
10 Reasons I like Living in a Small House (in no particular order):
1. Less rooms to clean.
2. Forced organizational skills.
3. Lots of family togethernerss.
4. Lessens the temptation to buy junk.
5. Costs less to heat and cool.
6. Cheaper rent or mortgage payments.
7. Faster to clean.
8. Lower property taxes.
9. Forced creativity.
10. Ability to hear your children getting in trouble. :)
1. Less rooms to clean.
2. Forced organizational skills.
3. Lots of family togethernerss.
4. Lessens the temptation to buy junk.
5. Costs less to heat and cool.
6. Cheaper rent or mortgage payments.
7. Faster to clean.
8. Lower property taxes.
9. Forced creativity.
10. Ability to hear your children getting in trouble. :)
Mediocre Marriage
One of the things that makes me a mediocre mom is my mediocre spouse skills. A lot of people envy Richard's and my marriage. I know they do because they tell me. So I thought I'd clarify a few things:
1. Richard and I do have a good marriage, but it's not an easy marriage. We work hard and yet still fight about the same things we did before we were even engaged 10 years ago!
2. Our marriage may seem ideal to some because we try to not publicly humilate each other. (i.e. Air our dirty laundry in public). This isn't because we want to be fake, but because we want to respect each other. Our closest friends will tell you we're pretty authentic people and that our marriage is far from perfect!
So while Richard does a lot to contribute to our mediocre marriage, I'll stick with mostly my own faults in this post. Last night Richard and I had it out - again. After I got settled down and was thinking and talking more clearly, I pointed out to him that our marriage tends to run in a cycle.
A cycle that usually starts with me going psycho. Something happens and I finally lose it. I'm not going to say I don't have justifiable reasons for feeling stressed, overwhelmed, neglected, shut-out, alone, etc. I think most moms, and in particular stay-at-homes, will attest to these feelings. I adore my children, but I'm an educated, intelligent, attractive, and interesting person and that part of me longs for an outlet beyond negotiating bargaining agreements over the current object of debate. This morning it was a Dr. Seuss book. Eventually, all those feelings boil over.
And, I lose it. I don't just a little bit lose it either. I a lot lose it. Somehow, in my years of studying psychology and working with people, I managed to never learn how to give myself a time-out to collect my thoughts and present them in a reasonable manner. I drop words a sailor would be proud of and in general make an idiot out of myself.
I'll also say in almost 8 years of marriage Richard has yet to figure out how to say, "Kendra, go calm down and then we'll sort this out." Instead, he chalks my actions up to pregnancy or post-pregnancy or PMS hormones and psychotic tendencies, and usually turns the heat up instead of down by making me feel dismissed. The expression "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" is probably the of the most accurate cliche expressions we have. On our good fight days, I'm able to bring it down and express why I'm not just crazy, but on our worst, one of us usually leaves that house in fit of rage.
Usually, we eventually talk things out, work through our frustrations and come up with a reasonable plan. If you've been keeping track, that's phase three of the cycle. Phase 4 is a couple of really great days, maybe even weeks! Phase 5 is the plan falling by the wayside and my feelings of bitterness, resentment, jealousy, anger, and so on turn the heat back up.
Sigh. I guess if I wasn't so mediocre we could land on phase 4 a lot longer and skip parts of phase 1 and phase 2 altogether. I also wish I could say my mediocre marriage skills didn't attribute to my mediocre motherhood skills, but they do. I don't line up a babysitter when I feel phase 5 coming to an abrupt meeting with phase 1. I don't calmy suggest to Richard that he should join me in our bedroom with the "talking stick" suggested in our pre-marriage counseling. Nope, instead we duke it out the old-fashioned way, and on good fight days, the kids don't end up crying too.
[I just proofread this and it made me sad. I thought about adding an ending that would make it more cheery, but it's an ugly truth and there's no point in putting frosting on it. Maybe I'll focus on working on solution for this, and in a few months do a Grit_Spit_DuctTape post].
1. Richard and I do have a good marriage, but it's not an easy marriage. We work hard and yet still fight about the same things we did before we were even engaged 10 years ago!
2. Our marriage may seem ideal to some because we try to not publicly humilate each other. (i.e. Air our dirty laundry in public). This isn't because we want to be fake, but because we want to respect each other. Our closest friends will tell you we're pretty authentic people and that our marriage is far from perfect!
So while Richard does a lot to contribute to our mediocre marriage, I'll stick with mostly my own faults in this post. Last night Richard and I had it out - again. After I got settled down and was thinking and talking more clearly, I pointed out to him that our marriage tends to run in a cycle.
A cycle that usually starts with me going psycho. Something happens and I finally lose it. I'm not going to say I don't have justifiable reasons for feeling stressed, overwhelmed, neglected, shut-out, alone, etc. I think most moms, and in particular stay-at-homes, will attest to these feelings. I adore my children, but I'm an educated, intelligent, attractive, and interesting person and that part of me longs for an outlet beyond negotiating bargaining agreements over the current object of debate. This morning it was a Dr. Seuss book. Eventually, all those feelings boil over.
And, I lose it. I don't just a little bit lose it either. I a lot lose it. Somehow, in my years of studying psychology and working with people, I managed to never learn how to give myself a time-out to collect my thoughts and present them in a reasonable manner. I drop words a sailor would be proud of and in general make an idiot out of myself.
I'll also say in almost 8 years of marriage Richard has yet to figure out how to say, "Kendra, go calm down and then we'll sort this out." Instead, he chalks my actions up to pregnancy or post-pregnancy or PMS hormones and psychotic tendencies, and usually turns the heat up instead of down by making me feel dismissed. The expression "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" is probably the of the most accurate cliche expressions we have. On our good fight days, I'm able to bring it down and express why I'm not just crazy, but on our worst, one of us usually leaves that house in fit of rage.
Usually, we eventually talk things out, work through our frustrations and come up with a reasonable plan. If you've been keeping track, that's phase three of the cycle. Phase 4 is a couple of really great days, maybe even weeks! Phase 5 is the plan falling by the wayside and my feelings of bitterness, resentment, jealousy, anger, and so on turn the heat back up.
Sigh. I guess if I wasn't so mediocre we could land on phase 4 a lot longer and skip parts of phase 1 and phase 2 altogether. I also wish I could say my mediocre marriage skills didn't attribute to my mediocre motherhood skills, but they do. I don't line up a babysitter when I feel phase 5 coming to an abrupt meeting with phase 1. I don't calmy suggest to Richard that he should join me in our bedroom with the "talking stick" suggested in our pre-marriage counseling. Nope, instead we duke it out the old-fashioned way, and on good fight days, the kids don't end up crying too.
[I just proofread this and it made me sad. I thought about adding an ending that would make it more cheery, but it's an ugly truth and there's no point in putting frosting on it. Maybe I'll focus on working on solution for this, and in a few months do a Grit_Spit_DuctTape post].
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