10 Reasons I like Living in a Small House (in no particular order):
1. Less rooms to clean.
2. Forced organizational skills.
3. Lots of family togethernerss.
4. Lessens the temptation to buy junk.
5. Costs less to heat and cool.
6. Cheaper rent or mortgage payments.
7. Faster to clean.
8. Lower property taxes.
9. Forced creativity.
10. Ability to hear your children getting in trouble. :)
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Mediocre Marriage
One of the things that makes me a mediocre mom is my mediocre spouse skills. A lot of people envy Richard's and my marriage. I know they do because they tell me. So I thought I'd clarify a few things:
1. Richard and I do have a good marriage, but it's not an easy marriage. We work hard and yet still fight about the same things we did before we were even engaged 10 years ago!
2. Our marriage may seem ideal to some because we try to not publicly humilate each other. (i.e. Air our dirty laundry in public). This isn't because we want to be fake, but because we want to respect each other. Our closest friends will tell you we're pretty authentic people and that our marriage is far from perfect!
So while Richard does a lot to contribute to our mediocre marriage, I'll stick with mostly my own faults in this post. Last night Richard and I had it out - again. After I got settled down and was thinking and talking more clearly, I pointed out to him that our marriage tends to run in a cycle.
A cycle that usually starts with me going psycho. Something happens and I finally lose it. I'm not going to say I don't have justifiable reasons for feeling stressed, overwhelmed, neglected, shut-out, alone, etc. I think most moms, and in particular stay-at-homes, will attest to these feelings. I adore my children, but I'm an educated, intelligent, attractive, and interesting person and that part of me longs for an outlet beyond negotiating bargaining agreements over the current object of debate. This morning it was a Dr. Seuss book. Eventually, all those feelings boil over.
And, I lose it. I don't just a little bit lose it either. I a lot lose it. Somehow, in my years of studying psychology and working with people, I managed to never learn how to give myself a time-out to collect my thoughts and present them in a reasonable manner. I drop words a sailor would be proud of and in general make an idiot out of myself.
I'll also say in almost 8 years of marriage Richard has yet to figure out how to say, "Kendra, go calm down and then we'll sort this out." Instead, he chalks my actions up to pregnancy or post-pregnancy or PMS hormones and psychotic tendencies, and usually turns the heat up instead of down by making me feel dismissed. The expression "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" is probably the of the most accurate cliche expressions we have. On our good fight days, I'm able to bring it down and express why I'm not just crazy, but on our worst, one of us usually leaves that house in fit of rage.
Usually, we eventually talk things out, work through our frustrations and come up with a reasonable plan. If you've been keeping track, that's phase three of the cycle. Phase 4 is a couple of really great days, maybe even weeks! Phase 5 is the plan falling by the wayside and my feelings of bitterness, resentment, jealousy, anger, and so on turn the heat back up.
Sigh. I guess if I wasn't so mediocre we could land on phase 4 a lot longer and skip parts of phase 1 and phase 2 altogether. I also wish I could say my mediocre marriage skills didn't attribute to my mediocre motherhood skills, but they do. I don't line up a babysitter when I feel phase 5 coming to an abrupt meeting with phase 1. I don't calmy suggest to Richard that he should join me in our bedroom with the "talking stick" suggested in our pre-marriage counseling. Nope, instead we duke it out the old-fashioned way, and on good fight days, the kids don't end up crying too.
[I just proofread this and it made me sad. I thought about adding an ending that would make it more cheery, but it's an ugly truth and there's no point in putting frosting on it. Maybe I'll focus on working on solution for this, and in a few months do a Grit_Spit_DuctTape post].
1. Richard and I do have a good marriage, but it's not an easy marriage. We work hard and yet still fight about the same things we did before we were even engaged 10 years ago!
2. Our marriage may seem ideal to some because we try to not publicly humilate each other. (i.e. Air our dirty laundry in public). This isn't because we want to be fake, but because we want to respect each other. Our closest friends will tell you we're pretty authentic people and that our marriage is far from perfect!
So while Richard does a lot to contribute to our mediocre marriage, I'll stick with mostly my own faults in this post. Last night Richard and I had it out - again. After I got settled down and was thinking and talking more clearly, I pointed out to him that our marriage tends to run in a cycle.
A cycle that usually starts with me going psycho. Something happens and I finally lose it. I'm not going to say I don't have justifiable reasons for feeling stressed, overwhelmed, neglected, shut-out, alone, etc. I think most moms, and in particular stay-at-homes, will attest to these feelings. I adore my children, but I'm an educated, intelligent, attractive, and interesting person and that part of me longs for an outlet beyond negotiating bargaining agreements over the current object of debate. This morning it was a Dr. Seuss book. Eventually, all those feelings boil over.
And, I lose it. I don't just a little bit lose it either. I a lot lose it. Somehow, in my years of studying psychology and working with people, I managed to never learn how to give myself a time-out to collect my thoughts and present them in a reasonable manner. I drop words a sailor would be proud of and in general make an idiot out of myself.
I'll also say in almost 8 years of marriage Richard has yet to figure out how to say, "Kendra, go calm down and then we'll sort this out." Instead, he chalks my actions up to pregnancy or post-pregnancy or PMS hormones and psychotic tendencies, and usually turns the heat up instead of down by making me feel dismissed. The expression "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" is probably the of the most accurate cliche expressions we have. On our good fight days, I'm able to bring it down and express why I'm not just crazy, but on our worst, one of us usually leaves that house in fit of rage.
Usually, we eventually talk things out, work through our frustrations and come up with a reasonable plan. If you've been keeping track, that's phase three of the cycle. Phase 4 is a couple of really great days, maybe even weeks! Phase 5 is the plan falling by the wayside and my feelings of bitterness, resentment, jealousy, anger, and so on turn the heat back up.
Sigh. I guess if I wasn't so mediocre we could land on phase 4 a lot longer and skip parts of phase 1 and phase 2 altogether. I also wish I could say my mediocre marriage skills didn't attribute to my mediocre motherhood skills, but they do. I don't line up a babysitter when I feel phase 5 coming to an abrupt meeting with phase 1. I don't calmy suggest to Richard that he should join me in our bedroom with the "talking stick" suggested in our pre-marriage counseling. Nope, instead we duke it out the old-fashioned way, and on good fight days, the kids don't end up crying too.
[I just proofread this and it made me sad. I thought about adding an ending that would make it more cheery, but it's an ugly truth and there's no point in putting frosting on it. Maybe I'll focus on working on solution for this, and in a few months do a Grit_Spit_DuctTape post].
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Small, Meet Tall, Part II
My title for this series of posts is figurative. But for this particular post it is literal. Living in a small space in our consumer-laden society is not an easy task. We don't buy our kids toys except for Christmas, Easter, and their birthdays, and even then, we go easy. But when you have 3 children, those gifts add up quickly! I try to do a good job of getting rid of toys we don't use and clothes that we won't wear, but it doesn't take long for our house to feel like it's being over-run by stuff. So here's a list of tips for living tall is a small space:
1. Think up! When we buy or build a house people often ask how many square feet, but what about cubic feet? There is a lot of space in our homes that goes unused and it's up high. Build shelves. (Or in hidden areas, install wired shelving). We've done this in several places and I have some more on my honey-do list.
2. Forfeit floor space for storage space. If you own your home and can build closets, go for it! Living space is not nearly as important as storage space.
3. Organize toys. We keep toys sorted in plastic totes. Toys are more likely to be played with when all the parts are easily accessible.
4. Rotate toys. Don't keep all of your kids toys out all the time. Box them up for a few months, and it'll be like Christmas when you get them back out.
5. Make "rooms" out of unconventional spaces. Our laundry room is in a closet that opens to our bathroom like you'll see in many homes. But, we also built our office in a closet that opens into our living room. Our hallway was 4 feet wide, so we built shelves on one of the walls and made it our play room. They serve their purpose without using a lot of square footage.
All that said, we're pretty cozy in 950 square feet with 5 of us, so 6 is going to push us to the limit with space for beds. Right now we have a full-size bed in the girls' room which we're going to put a twin bunk over, and a crib in our room. Hopefully, by the time this baby outgrows the crib, we'll have the top on our house.
Here are some things that we're going to do to make extra space for this baby:
1. Limit clothing. I read an article recently (mom brain can't remember where) that suggested only allowing your children 5 outfits each. While this is a little extreme and would put a lot of pressure on me to always stay up with the laundry, I like the concept. I'm going to try 7 play outfits, 7 nicer outfits, and 5 dress-up outfits per child. I may try rotating them more like I do toys by seasons. (Right now I just do winter/summer).
2. Buy a toy shed! The storage area we have for out-of-season and out-of-size clothing, as well as, Christmas decorations and out of rotation toys is filled to the brim. We're planning to buy a toy shed/play house/storage shed. This one is perfect: http://weaverbarns.com/playhouse/ but I doubt it's in our budget.
3. Build more shelves!
1. Think up! When we buy or build a house people often ask how many square feet, but what about cubic feet? There is a lot of space in our homes that goes unused and it's up high. Build shelves. (Or in hidden areas, install wired shelving). We've done this in several places and I have some more on my honey-do list.
2. Forfeit floor space for storage space. If you own your home and can build closets, go for it! Living space is not nearly as important as storage space.
3. Organize toys. We keep toys sorted in plastic totes. Toys are more likely to be played with when all the parts are easily accessible.
4. Rotate toys. Don't keep all of your kids toys out all the time. Box them up for a few months, and it'll be like Christmas when you get them back out.
5. Make "rooms" out of unconventional spaces. Our laundry room is in a closet that opens to our bathroom like you'll see in many homes. But, we also built our office in a closet that opens into our living room. Our hallway was 4 feet wide, so we built shelves on one of the walls and made it our play room. They serve their purpose without using a lot of square footage.
All that said, we're pretty cozy in 950 square feet with 5 of us, so 6 is going to push us to the limit with space for beds. Right now we have a full-size bed in the girls' room which we're going to put a twin bunk over, and a crib in our room. Hopefully, by the time this baby outgrows the crib, we'll have the top on our house.
Here are some things that we're going to do to make extra space for this baby:
1. Limit clothing. I read an article recently (mom brain can't remember where) that suggested only allowing your children 5 outfits each. While this is a little extreme and would put a lot of pressure on me to always stay up with the laundry, I like the concept. I'm going to try 7 play outfits, 7 nicer outfits, and 5 dress-up outfits per child. I may try rotating them more like I do toys by seasons. (Right now I just do winter/summer).
2. Buy a toy shed! The storage area we have for out-of-season and out-of-size clothing, as well as, Christmas decorations and out of rotation toys is filled to the brim. We're planning to buy a toy shed/play house/storage shed. This one is perfect: http://weaverbarns.com/playhouse/ but I doubt it's in our budget.
3. Build more shelves!
What's for dinner?
This week Gigi had the following for dinner:
Monday: I can't remember.
Tuesday: Dorritos
Wednesday: Grilled tuna - that she didn't eat. So I made her PB&J.
Thursday: Mashed potatoes and gravy - that she didn't really eat.
Friday: Oh, we went to Eat'n Park for Riley's birthday, so she ate of the salad bar: cottage cheese and shredded cheese.
Saturday: Cheese quesadilla
Today is Sunday, and while we haven't had dinner yet, I can tell you that she had Christmas cookies for breakfast.
#MomFail
Monday: I can't remember.
Tuesday: Dorritos
Wednesday: Grilled tuna - that she didn't eat. So I made her PB&J.
Thursday: Mashed potatoes and gravy - that she didn't really eat.
Friday: Oh, we went to Eat'n Park for Riley's birthday, so she ate of the salad bar: cottage cheese and shredded cheese.
Saturday: Cheese quesadilla
Today is Sunday, and while we haven't had dinner yet, I can tell you that she had Christmas cookies for breakfast.
#MomFail
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Quiet Times and Baptisms
Today I made the girls do quiet time, which means playing in their room with toys, while I take a break. Apparently, I should intermittently check in on the girls, cause the came out with wet heads. I asked them why their heads were wet and they said, "We baptisized each other." There goes my Calvinist opposition to re-baptism.
Small, Meet Tall
We live in a society that tells us having a bigger car, bigger house, bigger paycheck, and bigger debt is the way to go. This summer I will turn 30, and it is my dream, and my husband's and my goal to be debt free before then. For the past five years, I have worked part-time jobs never making more than $13,000 a year. My position was recently cut at one position and after finding out I was preggo with #4, I decided to quit my adjunct teaching job at a small community college. My husband works full-time at a descent middle class job and goes to school full-time collecting GIbill payments which makes it like a second job. So as you can see, we're not rich, but we're not poor either - we just work hard and take advantage of good opportunities, attempting to put the needs of our family first.
But even then I bet you're thinking, "DEBT FREE?!" Yep. We buy used vehicles and only own one. Richard has a company vehicle for work purposes only, so I'm not stranded when he's at work. Although, this is the real kicker, we live in a 950 square foot, 2 bedroom basement apartment that we built on land my parents gave us. It's finished and has at least one window in every room, so it doesn't really feel like a basement on the inside, just a small apartment. The outside has been compared to a bomb shelter. We actually don't live on "that" tight of a budget; although, we aren't big, happy-go-lucky spenders either. And, we never buy something that we don't have the cash to pay for. Here in a few short months, we will no longer have a mortgage payment and we'll start saving to build the top of our home. That feels great! Absolutely great!
I also know a lot of you are thinking, "I COULD NEVER LIVE IN A HOUSE THAT SMALL!" I'll write some follow-up posts soon about why I love my small house and some tips for living in one. Who knows? Maybe you'll decide to start living tall by going small.
But even then I bet you're thinking, "DEBT FREE?!" Yep. We buy used vehicles and only own one. Richard has a company vehicle for work purposes only, so I'm not stranded when he's at work. Although, this is the real kicker, we live in a 950 square foot, 2 bedroom basement apartment that we built on land my parents gave us. It's finished and has at least one window in every room, so it doesn't really feel like a basement on the inside, just a small apartment. The outside has been compared to a bomb shelter. We actually don't live on "that" tight of a budget; although, we aren't big, happy-go-lucky spenders either. And, we never buy something that we don't have the cash to pay for. Here in a few short months, we will no longer have a mortgage payment and we'll start saving to build the top of our home. That feels great! Absolutely great!
I also know a lot of you are thinking, "I COULD NEVER LIVE IN A HOUSE THAT SMALL!" I'll write some follow-up posts soon about why I love my small house and some tips for living in one. Who knows? Maybe you'll decide to start living tall by going small.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
What Motivates You?
Recently, I've been a little bit consumed with the notion of love languages. Gary Chapman proposed the idea in his book The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. While I haven't read the book, the concept seems pretty clear cut: not everyone feels loved the same way. This may explain why once, when Richard and I were dating and he was making squat working at a Christian summer camp, I got angry with him when he spent almost an entire pay check buying me 2 dozen roses! Gifts is not my love language. I found this little survey online that helps you determine your love language: click here. Before I took it I was convinced that my love language was Acts of Service, but on this quiz I got Quality Time. My guess is I'm bi-lingual in language of love because I love, love, love it when Richard helps me around the house, or gives the girls a bath, or gives me a massage, or even brushes my hair. Those last two could also count as quality time and physical touch, so that explains why I really love them!
I've been really unmotivated recently. I'm tired. I haven't been sleeping well due to a bunch of crazy dreams that wake me up. I told Richard that I feel like I'm watching movies all. night. long. Yesterday, I also laid off the caffeine because I'm pretty sure it contributes to the dreams. (I could write a series of posts on how severely caffeine effects me)! Furthermore, life is in a high gear phase for us. Richard's band, Affix, has been going full-force. He's also working full-time and a full-time student online. So while I support all that he is doing, you can rightly assume that he doesn't really have time to make me feel loved in the ways that really work for me!
Needless to say, my nifty schedule that I made has not been going according to plan. The problem with being a stay-at-home-mom is there aren't a whole lot of serious consequences for slacking, but there also aren't a whole lot of rewards for excelling either. Why clean when for one, it will be dirty again the next day, and two, I don't have the energy to get it all clean? My guess is some women love a clean house enough that it is motivation alone. And it might be motivation for me as well, if I could get it all done in one day, and it would stay that way for more than a few hours! I homeschool the girls, but right now, they are only in pre-school, and either advanced or on target for their ages. Sure, teaching Evelyn to read is important, but it's not going to hurt her to miss a day here and there. The one thing I have been managing to stay on top of is laundry, but it's draining to do it day-in and day-out. I don't want to make it seem like I'm complaining, I'm just pointing out that I NEED something to motivate me! Where's the beef?
So yesterday, the girls went back to visit my mom, and I had the afternoon free. I really wanted to spend a lot of time cleaning, but I was sooooo tired. So I hashed through some ideas for rewarding myself: I ruled out a bubble bath with a good book because our tub really isn't that comfortable and the water only covers half of me, and I also decided not to use food since I've been lacking major self-control on this issue anyway, and don't need any extra calories. I also don't have any hobbies I love well enough to use as a reward either (not this time of year anyway). Then I had a brilliant idea! I asked Richard if he would give me a 20-minute massage as my reward for cleaning for two hours! He loved the idea. Not really, but he went for it with the addition of going out to dinner and making it a date.
Cleaning was still drudgery. It literally took me 3 and 1/2 hours to do 2 hours of cleaning. I finished just minutes before Richard got home from work. But it worked! And consequently, I enjoyed my house a lot more today.
So, what motivates you?
I've been really unmotivated recently. I'm tired. I haven't been sleeping well due to a bunch of crazy dreams that wake me up. I told Richard that I feel like I'm watching movies all. night. long. Yesterday, I also laid off the caffeine because I'm pretty sure it contributes to the dreams. (I could write a series of posts on how severely caffeine effects me)! Furthermore, life is in a high gear phase for us. Richard's band, Affix, has been going full-force. He's also working full-time and a full-time student online. So while I support all that he is doing, you can rightly assume that he doesn't really have time to make me feel loved in the ways that really work for me!
Needless to say, my nifty schedule that I made has not been going according to plan. The problem with being a stay-at-home-mom is there aren't a whole lot of serious consequences for slacking, but there also aren't a whole lot of rewards for excelling either. Why clean when for one, it will be dirty again the next day, and two, I don't have the energy to get it all clean? My guess is some women love a clean house enough that it is motivation alone. And it might be motivation for me as well, if I could get it all done in one day, and it would stay that way for more than a few hours! I homeschool the girls, but right now, they are only in pre-school, and either advanced or on target for their ages. Sure, teaching Evelyn to read is important, but it's not going to hurt her to miss a day here and there. The one thing I have been managing to stay on top of is laundry, but it's draining to do it day-in and day-out. I don't want to make it seem like I'm complaining, I'm just pointing out that I NEED something to motivate me! Where's the beef?
So yesterday, the girls went back to visit my mom, and I had the afternoon free. I really wanted to spend a lot of time cleaning, but I was sooooo tired. So I hashed through some ideas for rewarding myself: I ruled out a bubble bath with a good book because our tub really isn't that comfortable and the water only covers half of me, and I also decided not to use food since I've been lacking major self-control on this issue anyway, and don't need any extra calories. I also don't have any hobbies I love well enough to use as a reward either (not this time of year anyway). Then I had a brilliant idea! I asked Richard if he would give me a 20-minute massage as my reward for cleaning for two hours! He loved the idea. Not really, but he went for it with the addition of going out to dinner and making it a date.
Cleaning was still drudgery. It literally took me 3 and 1/2 hours to do 2 hours of cleaning. I finished just minutes before Richard got home from work. But it worked! And consequently, I enjoyed my house a lot more today.
So, what motivates you?
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